mixed signals, confused hearts and moving on

So I did it.  I am out on my own. Other than the commute, I am happy with my choice.  Still a lot of struggle.  Still a lot of confusion over some of my friendships and relationships.  Some of which feel like they are going in the opposite direction of how I wanted them to go.  Others, well I am glad to be moving away from them, because I don't need to be held hostage in my own life and I don't want that happening to others that are my friends.

I can't decide if I think that I am changing and growing, or if things are changing around me and I remain the same.

I know that I feel that I am losing someone I care so much about, and watching it fall apart is killing me.  I know that I have a lot of people to rely on, and people that care.  And that's been such a relief and blessing.  But my heart still hurts.  I miss my friend, and they know.  I don't know whether to try harder or give up.  Either way - I doubt that I will win.  It's not my place to try to control the hearts and will of others.  I can only be who I am and hope they want to be in my life.

We constantly have people that touch our lives, for the better and some for the worst.  Always a lesson, always a reason, and always causing change. 

So even though I am still unsure with signals that are mixed from the world and from a friend, I move forward, because there are much better things ahead for me. ♥

cloudy... with a chance of disaster

A weekend full of panic, frustration and tears is exhausting.  Chaos, and uncertainty amplify my already worn thin sense of self.

This week should end on a positive note, though a busy and completely life changing one.  

Everyday, I find a little more relief, but also - I grow impatient.  I trust too easily, forgive too often things that I should not, and most of all, I am afraid of the very thing that make me so happy.  

I am afraid to fail, afraid to trust in my heart, and afraid to believe that anything is really real.  I am afraid that I will always fall back into not being good enough, always needing to apologize.  I don't know how to not feel like I am bothering someone with my presence.  I don't know how not to feel like a burden or annoyance.

More importantly, I am afraid of losing all of the strength that I have worked so hard for, because I cannot see in myself, all the things that I need to see and focus on.

self sabotage

I am incredible at it.  Really.  I just want to be happy, and well adjusted, and... normal?  We will roll with that for lack of a better word.  Normal, but not ordinary.

I am in my last week of 'family' life before I set off into single motherhood and living on my own.  I am nervous, but ready.  Things have been in a constant state of unrest for a year, and really for much longer than that.  All of my saving, and purchasing and planning - it is all in play now.

I am hoping that I can just breathe out all of the stress, all of my insecurities and embrace my imperfection in the coming weeks and just love where I am in my journey and just go where my path leads me.

My life, my choice, my heart, my feelings, my dreams - no one has the power to take any of those from me unless I give them the power to do so.

Self sabotage comes in when I feel taken advantage of, insecure, used or just foolish for trusting those that I shouldn't, but it only affects those that actually stick around or want to, because I am unable to trust that they are not going to do or are not doing the same things to me.

I don't know how long this phase lasts, but I am over it already!  Six days to a new life, and hopefully - a new attitude.

Feeling restless

So many good things have happened in the last few weeks. I have met some wonderful people, purged some not so wonderful people.  Found an apartment, which is in the final check stages and I will hopefully be moving into my new place in two weeks.

This has been a long road.  I know that I am leaving one struggle for another, and I have lost a lot of trust and faith along the way.  It's hard to feel like the people that you love and trust the most, are incapable of supporting you in the way that you need them to because they do not agree with your choices, your path, or your way of handling things.

I have to follow my heart and do what is best.  I will always think of my child, but I need to be happy too.  I need a break from constant stress, drama, lies, inconsistency and judgement.  I feel like these last few weeks of my 'old life' are going to drag.  I feel like I am going to continue to be moody and uncomfortable.  I am going to continue to see so clearly why I am making this choice, which has been pretty much every minute of today.  And I get SO ANGRY watching it all unfold in front of me.  Making me feel like my need to not hurt feelings and my need for order and to be the stand up person have left me trapped in insecurity and sadness.

I am ready to just be in my own space with my own things and my own comforts, the smallest of things being out of place or disrespectful are setting me off.

Seriously, zero to bitch in 60 seconds. What bothers me though, is that I am full of self doubt, I find that I am having a hard time trusting anyone, and it's not that they have even done anything wrong.  I am in the constant battle with my rational self and with the aftermath of the last several years of my life.  I know that it will take time, but I don't like being that person. I don't like feeling off, and most of all, I don't like feeling paranoid, selfish or jealous.  At least I am self aware and can give myself a time out... that's always a plus.