Sad or angry... maybe both

I am getting too good at being sad.  That just empty sad that makes you feel cold and hopeless.  I shut down, I don't want to talk about it.  I just want to be alone with the very thoughts that trap me into that sadness.  

So many reasons for that too.  I don't want to be a burden.  I need to find my own voice and my own strength and my own reasons to be happy.

But I am not happy.  I am relieved, and I am at peace with my choices, but I am not happy.  I still seek and effectively participate in friendships and relationships where I go out of my way to be of support and be kind.  And even though I do not do things with the expectation of anything in return, I find that I miss the relationships that I FELT like I was as important to that person as they are/were to me.  

I feel like what is missing is knowing that when the immediate need for someone to lean on is over, that there will be a lasting relationship there for BOTH of us.  I feel taken advantage of, led on, taken for granted and finally - just sad.

Here's the thing... I am not looking to be some one's mom.  I have a kid.  I am not looking to be a temporary support so that when whatever feud you are having is over, you can cast me aside.  I don't want to be your drunk Friday night phone call, looking for someone to hook up with and I don't want to be your secret.  

And that's where the sadness stops and the anger comes in.  Just because I am vulnerable doesn't mean that I deserve your games and bullshit.  Just because I am not gorgeous and thin doesn't mean that I need you to make me feel that I should be ashamed of how I look, and that I should be thankful that you paid me a compliment because not many would.  I love being told how much you appreciate thick women before you ask me if I want to hook up.  I am fine being alone.  That's the beauty of choosing divorce.  So if you are reading this and thinking it's about you, it probably fucking is.  

You want to give me a compliment, then fucking mean it.  Don't sucker sandwich it or better yet, just keep it to yourself.  I want people in my life that are proud to call me their friend above all else.  I am so tired of being taken advantage of.  I am tired of being asked if I want to fuck now that I am single or if I want to send you dirty pics or messages or whatever else.  

How about you ask me if I want to get a cup of coffee or have lunch.  Maybe talk to me and look me in the eye instead of staring at my rack.  The only person that I owe anything is myself and that is taking back the respect and self worth that I have let others take from me.  I am my own and I intend to stay that way because I am not ready to be anything other than that.  

And for those of you that read this, that are truly meaningful in our friendships and relationships, simply - Thank you.  I appreciate you for all that you are in my life and for all of the support and kind words and late night chats that we have shared.  

All journeys have their ups and downs.  While this post isn't the most pleasant and nothing really happened to trigger me posting it... it's just been there for a while, eating away at whatever I work to build and I needed to get it all out. 

All my love,

A

just... devasted

Today I came home for lunch, like normal - planning to visit with the dogs and do a load of laundry.  Instead I walked into shit and blood everywhere, and our beloved Crickett hunched on Kingston's beanbag, covered in poop and just slumped there.  My heart broke then... There was blood in the stool and she just looked so tired, and so sad.  I started to clean it up, and started to cry at the same time, because I knew what the blood meant - and I knew that when we made the call to the vet, that it was over.

I called Jerod, and we went through the painful experience of having to choose to end her life, or choose to watch her continue to waste away, literally - and die on her own in pain.

Crickett had a bone tumor that was attached to her pelvis, and over the last two or three weeks, she had lost the ability to wag or raise her tail, all of her muscle mass from her back legs had gone and the last few days, she has struggled to go to the bathroom.  She had lost 8 pounds from her already small frame.

We didn't notice the mass until she started to lose the weight, and even if we could have found it - it was in her bones. Based on the blood in her stool, and the fluid in her leg - it was also in her lymph node, her intestines and her bladder.

We did what we thought was best for her, and it is the hardest decision I have ever been faced with.  I had to choose to take a life today - and in my house - my pets are my kids too.

Jerod has had Crickett since she was  6 weeks old and she was just about to be 12.  Jerod and I have been together for almost 7 years, so essentially - she was our first baby.

She was an amazing dog.  My heart is aching, my eyes are burning from crying and I miss her so much already.  It doesn't seem real.

Kingston told the vet that Weasel was sick, and that mommy was sad that she was sick.  Then he asked the vet to make us both better.  So sweet.  Explaining to a four year old that he is losing his first pet is so hard.  And harder when you are half way home and he asks where she is.

God grant me the strength to get through this.  :(