self sabotage

I am incredible at it.  Really.  I just want to be happy, and well adjusted, and... normal?  We will roll with that for lack of a better word.  Normal, but not ordinary.

I am in my last week of 'family' life before I set off into single motherhood and living on my own.  I am nervous, but ready.  Things have been in a constant state of unrest for a year, and really for much longer than that.  All of my saving, and purchasing and planning - it is all in play now.

I am hoping that I can just breathe out all of the stress, all of my insecurities and embrace my imperfection in the coming weeks and just love where I am in my journey and just go where my path leads me.

My life, my choice, my heart, my feelings, my dreams - no one has the power to take any of those from me unless I give them the power to do so.

Self sabotage comes in when I feel taken advantage of, insecure, used or just foolish for trusting those that I shouldn't, but it only affects those that actually stick around or want to, because I am unable to trust that they are not going to do or are not doing the same things to me.

I don't know how long this phase lasts, but I am over it already!  Six days to a new life, and hopefully - a new attitude.

Healing... really.

“Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.”

- Marc Hack

It's so important to me to remember that I will never see myself the way others see me.  That is both good and bad.  As I am moving onto other stations in my life, I have to allow myself to be who I am and to accept myself as I am.  

I am constantly reminded of so many cliche quotes that tell us all the same thing, keep your heart open, don't let yourself be scarred, someone that truly loves you will always accept you.  And I don't disagree... but I do believe firmly that we must be our own, and love ourselves before we can be another's and love another the way that they deserve.

Part of healing for me is realizing that it is ok to say no, that I am better than what I have put up with, and that my heart is not broken anymore.  I cannot change the choices I have made, change the places I have been or forget the paths that I have walked.  I can learn from them and allow them to shape my future choices.

I will always treat others how I want to be treated, but now I will expect that they treat me with the same respect, or they will find themselves no longer a part of my life.

I has taken me a long time to find my own voice.  I am still surprised at my ability to say what I need to say lately.  While I still have a lot of work to do, at least it's progress. ♥