cloudy... with a chance of disaster

A weekend full of panic, frustration and tears is exhausting.  Chaos, and uncertainty amplify my already worn thin sense of self.

This week should end on a positive note, though a busy and completely life changing one.  

Everyday, I find a little more relief, but also - I grow impatient.  I trust too easily, forgive too often things that I should not, and most of all, I am afraid of the very thing that make me so happy.  

I am afraid to fail, afraid to trust in my heart, and afraid to believe that anything is really real.  I am afraid that I will always fall back into not being good enough, always needing to apologize.  I don't know how to not feel like I am bothering someone with my presence.  I don't know how not to feel like a burden or annoyance.

More importantly, I am afraid of losing all of the strength that I have worked so hard for, because I cannot see in myself, all the things that I need to see and focus on.

Feeling restless

So many good things have happened in the last few weeks. I have met some wonderful people, purged some not so wonderful people.  Found an apartment, which is in the final check stages and I will hopefully be moving into my new place in two weeks.

This has been a long road.  I know that I am leaving one struggle for another, and I have lost a lot of trust and faith along the way.  It's hard to feel like the people that you love and trust the most, are incapable of supporting you in the way that you need them to because they do not agree with your choices, your path, or your way of handling things.

I have to follow my heart and do what is best.  I will always think of my child, but I need to be happy too.  I need a break from constant stress, drama, lies, inconsistency and judgement.  I feel like these last few weeks of my 'old life' are going to drag.  I feel like I am going to continue to be moody and uncomfortable.  I am going to continue to see so clearly why I am making this choice, which has been pretty much every minute of today.  And I get SO ANGRY watching it all unfold in front of me.  Making me feel like my need to not hurt feelings and my need for order and to be the stand up person have left me trapped in insecurity and sadness.

I am ready to just be in my own space with my own things and my own comforts, the smallest of things being out of place or disrespectful are setting me off.

Seriously, zero to bitch in 60 seconds. What bothers me though, is that I am full of self doubt, I find that I am having a hard time trusting anyone, and it's not that they have even done anything wrong.  I am in the constant battle with my rational self and with the aftermath of the last several years of my life.  I know that it will take time, but I don't like being that person. I don't like feeling off, and most of all, I don't like feeling paranoid, selfish or jealous.  At least I am self aware and can give myself a time out... that's always a plus.

updates and anger

We'll start with the updates... so today is day four of my twenty four day Advocare challenge. I am down four pounds.  My cravings have not been too bad, with the exception of a nice hot cup of coffee with creamer and sugar.  I informed a good friend today that I might actually claw someone's eyes out for a cup.  Alas, that's why this is a 'challenge', right?  I miss beer too, some days more than others. Six more days. :)

And onto the anger... I get tired of not being a priority.  It happens in more than one area of my life.  I like to think that I return the respect that I am given.  I am tired of being taken for granted, tired of being an afterthought, I am just tired.  I am also tired of being angry.

I made a commitment to myself that I was going to make it a point to change my life this year.  Personal growth comes at a cost; realizations that we are not going always like where we are and what we have done, some people that we have in our lives shouldn't really be there, and some people that we have left behind actually should have.  There is no simple answer and no simple solution.  The only thing that is certain is that time has a way of bringing us the answers we seek.  Sometimes later, sometimes sooner, ready or not.

time for (another) change!

I guess I have hair ADD - I cut off 15 inches in May and went from chocolate to a heavy blondish weave.  Now it's time to freshen the color and I am torn between going more blonde or going to a warm red.  I am leaning toward the latter.  I love my hair light, but I have grown so accustomed to dark hair that I prefer it.  I think red will be a nice happy medium for me!

I am still drawn to blonde and pink... maybe next summer! ;)