stations in life...

Making the decision to follow my heart isn't always an easy one.  I care deeply for others, and try to have faith in their positions in my life... I am also finding that just because someone tells you that they aren't going anywhere and that they care, doesn't mean that they do or that they will be there for you when you need them.

I don't know if letting others make me feel unworthy of their friendship and time makes me feel worse than pretending that I don't feel it at all.  Giving someone the ability to hurt you, and then having it happen is painful.  Especially when it's slow and obvious.

I have always felt that if someone wants you in their life, they will put you there.  And that being in your life will not be conditional.  That how you look won't matter, what size you wear isn't important and that most of all, you are worth making time to spend with, no matter how busy either of you are.

I find it amazing how quickly your heart can change as well, how fast you can grow close to someone and make a true friend when you take the time to see a person for who they really are.

I have made such a friend in the last month and I am grateful for that person in my life.  Sitting around in sweats, watching tv, and eating pizza - stupid chats, and laughing about our own shortcomings instantly bonds you to a person that is going through the same or similar life changes as you.

I am happy that I took a risk, and gave myself the chance to have such a great support and friend in my life. ♥

Sometimes

Sometimes I think about how different things would be if Jerod's mom's side of his family was still a part of our lives. I wonder if Kingston will be sad when he is older that he has a grandmother, three uncles, and countless other relatives that he has never met, but that his sisters know and have a relationship with. I wonder if our lives would be worse than what we have now, because my husband is a different person now. I feel selfish sometimes because I am almost relieved that I don't have to worry about some of the negativity.  I know that the bridge has been burned, and not for Jerod's lack of trying to move past the stupid argument that started the whole thing.

What does make me sad is that sometimes I feel like my husband has had to grieve the loss of his mother because he chose to spend his life with me. Then I realize that no matter who Jerod had chosen to spend his life with, the issue would have been the same. His mother felt threatened and replaced by me, without my having to do anything to make her feel that way. It was her own insecurity.

His mom loved me until we moved in together and then found out that we were pregnant. I remember being heartbroken that his mom and brothers were upset that we were expecting. My parents and Jerods dad and his wife were so excited for us. She has never met Kingston, and from what the girls have said, their mom had pictures of him on her phone somehow and they talked about what an ugly baby he was.

Whether it was really said, or told to the girls as a way to try to hurt us, it proved for us that walking away was the right choice. How can you ever put trust in someone after that? She spends the night at his ex's house, they have each others names tattooed on their bodies, its just weird. And my good ole MIL has a daughter now, according to her. 

I am always his bitch wife, and you know - I will take it, because based on his mom and his ex, if I am a bitch, there is not a word on English to describe what they put him through. If being a supportive wife that helps you reach personal and professional goals without expecting anything in return is a bitch, well I guess that is what I am. They are right that he deserves me, because they didn't deserve him and he walked away. I can say that I have honestly given him my love, honesty  and confidence in himself to go after what he wants. It bothered me for a very short time that everything got blamed on me. It was always my fault that Jerod stood up to them, or that he called out a lie, it filed for custody of his kids.

His girls are my heart, our son is my world and they are all my soul. No matter what happens, I am in it for better or worse. My vows actually mean something to me. When I married Jerod, I knew that our life would never be cookie cutter, that there would be tough roads and battles and drama. All that matters is that we have weathered the storm together and it has not broken us.