cloudy... with a chance of disaster

A weekend full of panic, frustration and tears is exhausting.  Chaos, and uncertainty amplify my already worn thin sense of self.

This week should end on a positive note, though a busy and completely life changing one.  

Everyday, I find a little more relief, but also - I grow impatient.  I trust too easily, forgive too often things that I should not, and most of all, I am afraid of the very thing that make me so happy.  

I am afraid to fail, afraid to trust in my heart, and afraid to believe that anything is really real.  I am afraid that I will always fall back into not being good enough, always needing to apologize.  I don't know how to not feel like I am bothering someone with my presence.  I don't know how not to feel like a burden or annoyance.

More importantly, I am afraid of losing all of the strength that I have worked so hard for, because I cannot see in myself, all the things that I need to see and focus on.

whirlwind...

Stuff is happening fast in our house lately.  The summer is flying by, the puppy is growing and Kingston is ever changing.

It's crazy at work, lots to do and thank God we are prepared for it.  Jerod and I are enjoying all of the good things that are coming our way right now, but we are keeping in mind that the storm is coming.  Sooner than later, because all of the ducks are in a row for us... In a few short weeks, the paperwork will be piling up and things will be set in motion.

While there has been drama lately, I find that I am not even surprised anymore... while I don't appreciate being called the 'C' word in front of my child and my neighbors - the classless mouth that it came out of will need to try a little harder to get under my skin.  I am not a doormat, I am not afraid to tell her to shut her mouth, and most of all, I am just tired of the piece of shit that she is.  I am not afraid to tell her that either.

Mother is a term that should be held in the highest regard.  Her lack of care for the girls kills me.  I take better care of the fish at our house than she does of her own children.  To be a real mom - you have to put the work in.  Buy them clothes, spend time with them, take them for medical care when they need it, have a moral compass... I could go on forever.  Most of all - LOVE THEM. She doesn't deserve them, and hopefully the judge and GAL will agree.

I have taken on so many roles in life and I take each one with a grain.  I love ALL THREE of my children, whether I gave birth to them or not.  I will support my husband forever in his mission to give the girls a better life.  They are part of my heart too.

Here is to the future and all that it holds.  May our stressful road ahead be a short one, with a little rainbow at the end.

our story

Our story is pretty simple, but it's also quite complicated.  Jerod and I have known each other for more than half of our lives, we grew up less than a block away from each other.  Better to say that we knew of each other, had a 'high school moment' (that's what we will call it) and then ran into each other again in October of 2005 at Lucky's.  We have been together ever since.  While the road was not always pretty - we have overcome so much in our nearly seven years together.

On January 14, 2007 - Jerod asked me to marry him after the AFC Championship game, yes - he got down on his knees and yes - I cried. 

On October 03, 2008 - we found out that we were having a little Lambert (not planned, but not completely unplanned either - just the will of a higher power I think).  This obviously changed our wedding planning.

We were married at a little chapel in downtown Columbus on May 19, 2008, three weeks before Kingston came to join us.  We wanted to officially be 'The Lamberts' before he arrived ♥.

Kingston's arrival made us begin to look at where we were and where we wanted to be, and the change in direction began by December 2007.  We worked really hard, and have accomplished all of what we have set out to do so far. There is much more on the horizon.

When Jerod and I started dating, I knew that our lives would always be a little bit different.  Jerod had two kids from a previous relationship.  This meant that I was taking on a ready made family - and all of the drama that came with it.  

There are days that it is hard to be the wife of someone who has constant stress with not being able to do everything that he wants to do for his daughters - and not being able to make it better.  And it took a lot of time and support to undo all of the negativity and doubt caused by both his ex and his own mother.  

Jerod loves with his whole heart.  I am lucky to say that I am the one who has that love - and his daughters are worth all that we have been through to get where we are.

While I remain the person that gets 'blamed' because my husband stands up for himself and is not afraid to voice his opinion - I am so proud that he has the confidence in himself to do this.  All I have ever done is help my husband remember that he is worth it, they are worth it - and most of all - if he wants it, go after it.  He is a great dad to all three of his kids!

We are still reaching and exceeding our goals together as time goes on, which means that we are doing something right, and the sacrifices that we have made are worth it. :)