stations in life...

Making the decision to follow my heart isn't always an easy one.  I care deeply for others, and try to have faith in their positions in my life... I am also finding that just because someone tells you that they aren't going anywhere and that they care, doesn't mean that they do or that they will be there for you when you need them.

I don't know if letting others make me feel unworthy of their friendship and time makes me feel worse than pretending that I don't feel it at all.  Giving someone the ability to hurt you, and then having it happen is painful.  Especially when it's slow and obvious.

I have always felt that if someone wants you in their life, they will put you there.  And that being in your life will not be conditional.  That how you look won't matter, what size you wear isn't important and that most of all, you are worth making time to spend with, no matter how busy either of you are.

I find it amazing how quickly your heart can change as well, how fast you can grow close to someone and make a true friend when you take the time to see a person for who they really are.

I have made such a friend in the last month and I am grateful for that person in my life.  Sitting around in sweats, watching tv, and eating pizza - stupid chats, and laughing about our own shortcomings instantly bonds you to a person that is going through the same or similar life changes as you.

I am happy that I took a risk, and gave myself the chance to have such a great support and friend in my life. ♥

mixed signals, confused hearts and moving on

So I did it.  I am out on my own. Other than the commute, I am happy with my choice.  Still a lot of struggle.  Still a lot of confusion over some of my friendships and relationships.  Some of which feel like they are going in the opposite direction of how I wanted them to go.  Others, well I am glad to be moving away from them, because I don't need to be held hostage in my own life and I don't want that happening to others that are my friends.

I can't decide if I think that I am changing and growing, or if things are changing around me and I remain the same.

I know that I feel that I am losing someone I care so much about, and watching it fall apart is killing me.  I know that I have a lot of people to rely on, and people that care.  And that's been such a relief and blessing.  But my heart still hurts.  I miss my friend, and they know.  I don't know whether to try harder or give up.  Either way - I doubt that I will win.  It's not my place to try to control the hearts and will of others.  I can only be who I am and hope they want to be in my life.

We constantly have people that touch our lives, for the better and some for the worst.  Always a lesson, always a reason, and always causing change. 

So even though I am still unsure with signals that are mixed from the world and from a friend, I move forward, because there are much better things ahead for me. ♥

Feeling restless

So many good things have happened in the last few weeks. I have met some wonderful people, purged some not so wonderful people.  Found an apartment, which is in the final check stages and I will hopefully be moving into my new place in two weeks.

This has been a long road.  I know that I am leaving one struggle for another, and I have lost a lot of trust and faith along the way.  It's hard to feel like the people that you love and trust the most, are incapable of supporting you in the way that you need them to because they do not agree with your choices, your path, or your way of handling things.

I have to follow my heart and do what is best.  I will always think of my child, but I need to be happy too.  I need a break from constant stress, drama, lies, inconsistency and judgement.  I feel like these last few weeks of my 'old life' are going to drag.  I feel like I am going to continue to be moody and uncomfortable.  I am going to continue to see so clearly why I am making this choice, which has been pretty much every minute of today.  And I get SO ANGRY watching it all unfold in front of me.  Making me feel like my need to not hurt feelings and my need for order and to be the stand up person have left me trapped in insecurity and sadness.

I am ready to just be in my own space with my own things and my own comforts, the smallest of things being out of place or disrespectful are setting me off.

Seriously, zero to bitch in 60 seconds. What bothers me though, is that I am full of self doubt, I find that I am having a hard time trusting anyone, and it's not that they have even done anything wrong.  I am in the constant battle with my rational self and with the aftermath of the last several years of my life.  I know that it will take time, but I don't like being that person. I don't like feeling off, and most of all, I don't like feeling paranoid, selfish or jealous.  At least I am self aware and can give myself a time out... that's always a plus.

Healing... really.

“Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.”

- Marc Hack

It's so important to me to remember that I will never see myself the way others see me.  That is both good and bad.  As I am moving onto other stations in my life, I have to allow myself to be who I am and to accept myself as I am.  

I am constantly reminded of so many cliche quotes that tell us all the same thing, keep your heart open, don't let yourself be scarred, someone that truly loves you will always accept you.  And I don't disagree... but I do believe firmly that we must be our own, and love ourselves before we can be another's and love another the way that they deserve.

Part of healing for me is realizing that it is ok to say no, that I am better than what I have put up with, and that my heart is not broken anymore.  I cannot change the choices I have made, change the places I have been or forget the paths that I have walked.  I can learn from them and allow them to shape my future choices.

I will always treat others how I want to be treated, but now I will expect that they treat me with the same respect, or they will find themselves no longer a part of my life.

I has taken me a long time to find my own voice.  I am still surprised at my ability to say what I need to say lately.  While I still have a lot of work to do, at least it's progress. ♥

just... devasted

Today I came home for lunch, like normal - planning to visit with the dogs and do a load of laundry.  Instead I walked into shit and blood everywhere, and our beloved Crickett hunched on Kingston's beanbag, covered in poop and just slumped there.  My heart broke then... There was blood in the stool and she just looked so tired, and so sad.  I started to clean it up, and started to cry at the same time, because I knew what the blood meant - and I knew that when we made the call to the vet, that it was over.

I called Jerod, and we went through the painful experience of having to choose to end her life, or choose to watch her continue to waste away, literally - and die on her own in pain.

Crickett had a bone tumor that was attached to her pelvis, and over the last two or three weeks, she had lost the ability to wag or raise her tail, all of her muscle mass from her back legs had gone and the last few days, she has struggled to go to the bathroom.  She had lost 8 pounds from her already small frame.

We didn't notice the mass until she started to lose the weight, and even if we could have found it - it was in her bones. Based on the blood in her stool, and the fluid in her leg - it was also in her lymph node, her intestines and her bladder.

We did what we thought was best for her, and it is the hardest decision I have ever been faced with.  I had to choose to take a life today - and in my house - my pets are my kids too.

Jerod has had Crickett since she was  6 weeks old and she was just about to be 12.  Jerod and I have been together for almost 7 years, so essentially - she was our first baby.

She was an amazing dog.  My heart is aching, my eyes are burning from crying and I miss her so much already.  It doesn't seem real.

Kingston told the vet that Weasel was sick, and that mommy was sad that she was sick.  Then he asked the vet to make us both better.  So sweet.  Explaining to a four year old that he is losing his first pet is so hard.  And harder when you are half way home and he asks where she is.

God grant me the strength to get through this.  :(

Sometimes

Sometimes I think about how different things would be if Jerod's mom's side of his family was still a part of our lives. I wonder if Kingston will be sad when he is older that he has a grandmother, three uncles, and countless other relatives that he has never met, but that his sisters know and have a relationship with. I wonder if our lives would be worse than what we have now, because my husband is a different person now. I feel selfish sometimes because I am almost relieved that I don't have to worry about some of the negativity.  I know that the bridge has been burned, and not for Jerod's lack of trying to move past the stupid argument that started the whole thing.

What does make me sad is that sometimes I feel like my husband has had to grieve the loss of his mother because he chose to spend his life with me. Then I realize that no matter who Jerod had chosen to spend his life with, the issue would have been the same. His mother felt threatened and replaced by me, without my having to do anything to make her feel that way. It was her own insecurity.

His mom loved me until we moved in together and then found out that we were pregnant. I remember being heartbroken that his mom and brothers were upset that we were expecting. My parents and Jerods dad and his wife were so excited for us. She has never met Kingston, and from what the girls have said, their mom had pictures of him on her phone somehow and they talked about what an ugly baby he was.

Whether it was really said, or told to the girls as a way to try to hurt us, it proved for us that walking away was the right choice. How can you ever put trust in someone after that? She spends the night at his ex's house, they have each others names tattooed on their bodies, its just weird. And my good ole MIL has a daughter now, according to her. 

I am always his bitch wife, and you know - I will take it, because based on his mom and his ex, if I am a bitch, there is not a word on English to describe what they put him through. If being a supportive wife that helps you reach personal and professional goals without expecting anything in return is a bitch, well I guess that is what I am. They are right that he deserves me, because they didn't deserve him and he walked away. I can say that I have honestly given him my love, honesty  and confidence in himself to go after what he wants. It bothered me for a very short time that everything got blamed on me. It was always my fault that Jerod stood up to them, or that he called out a lie, it filed for custody of his kids.

His girls are my heart, our son is my world and they are all my soul. No matter what happens, I am in it for better or worse. My vows actually mean something to me. When I married Jerod, I knew that our life would never be cookie cutter, that there would be tough roads and battles and drama. All that matters is that we have weathered the storm together and it has not broken us.

my little pig

Obviously I love my bully madly... but today when I went home at lunch, my husband said that he thinks that I am just her whole world and that she is more excited to see me than anything else.  It pretty much made my day.  I love my Pig and she loves her mama. :)  There is nothing like the happy snort and butt wiggle that greets me every morning, every day that I go home for lunch and each night when I get home!

whirlwind...

Stuff is happening fast in our house lately.  The summer is flying by, the puppy is growing and Kingston is ever changing.

It's crazy at work, lots to do and thank God we are prepared for it.  Jerod and I are enjoying all of the good things that are coming our way right now, but we are keeping in mind that the storm is coming.  Sooner than later, because all of the ducks are in a row for us... In a few short weeks, the paperwork will be piling up and things will be set in motion.

While there has been drama lately, I find that I am not even surprised anymore... while I don't appreciate being called the 'C' word in front of my child and my neighbors - the classless mouth that it came out of will need to try a little harder to get under my skin.  I am not a doormat, I am not afraid to tell her to shut her mouth, and most of all, I am just tired of the piece of shit that she is.  I am not afraid to tell her that either.

Mother is a term that should be held in the highest regard.  Her lack of care for the girls kills me.  I take better care of the fish at our house than she does of her own children.  To be a real mom - you have to put the work in.  Buy them clothes, spend time with them, take them for medical care when they need it, have a moral compass... I could go on forever.  Most of all - LOVE THEM. She doesn't deserve them, and hopefully the judge and GAL will agree.

I have taken on so many roles in life and I take each one with a grain.  I love ALL THREE of my children, whether I gave birth to them or not.  I will support my husband forever in his mission to give the girls a better life.  They are part of my heart too.

Here is to the future and all that it holds.  May our stressful road ahead be a short one, with a little rainbow at the end.

a little inspiration and a few projects...

I am certain that my husband cringes at the very mention of a project that I have seen on Pinterest... though I am also sure that he has benefited from the recipes that I have found.  So I have a few projects that I want to complete soon.




This is a last name project that was featured on Michael's website

I love this and think that it will looks awesome in my living room :)  I have a long narrow empty space that is dying for some decoration.

I am undecided on what paper I will use for the letter backgrounds :)

This is just the easiest tank-to-bag with tutorial :)  found via pinterest on  http://www.salttree.net/2011/08/diy-tank-top-tote-in-5-minutes.html

It's cute and I love it, end of story!

Oh - and I have about... hmmm... 50 or so tanks...

I think that I can part with a few!

I think this is a cute look with simple steps to complete.  The pin is from http://sweet-verbena.blogspot.com/2011/07/simple-bow-tie-top-tutorial.html

As mentioned above - I have an obsession with tank tops. And pink.

And this awesome looking DIY dress was also a pintrest gem that I found.  Also, I have already purchased the tank and fabric to make this and it is still sitting in the project pile...

This pin is from http://moderndaymoms.com/diy-crafts-diy-dress/

I need to get on it, because this is so cute and I want it to be waiting faithfully on a hanger in my closet.

And another project that I already have the fabric cut for and is sitting in my project pile lol.  small ones for the girls and a large one for me.  So there are three projects in one here!

This is a pattern that I found on pinterest and purchased from i think sew.  I purchased the pattern that had both this smaller version and the larger version that I wanted for myself for $5.50.

four already!

Kingston is turning four this week, and I cannot figure out where the time has gone!  He is growing and changing so fast!  While I miss the little baby stage, and I am glad that we are almost all of the way out of the 'terrible twos' - I love the little man that he is becoming!

Two days old

a month old!

3 months old

5 months old

9 months old

1st Birthday!

18 months - Christmas 2009

Two years old

two years old - mommy's little shark (in blue water)!

3 years old

Fall 2011 School pic

icee thief at 3 years old

Fall 2011 - 3 years old

I love this toad mommy!  Spring 2012

Mario :) three years old - Spring 2012