updates and anger

We'll start with the updates... so today is day four of my twenty four day Advocare challenge. I am down four pounds.  My cravings have not been too bad, with the exception of a nice hot cup of coffee with creamer and sugar.  I informed a good friend today that I might actually claw someone's eyes out for a cup.  Alas, that's why this is a 'challenge', right?  I miss beer too, some days more than others. Six more days. :)

And onto the anger... I get tired of not being a priority.  It happens in more than one area of my life.  I like to think that I return the respect that I am given.  I am tired of being taken for granted, tired of being an afterthought, I am just tired.  I am also tired of being angry.

I made a commitment to myself that I was going to make it a point to change my life this year.  Personal growth comes at a cost; realizations that we are not going always like where we are and what we have done, some people that we have in our lives shouldn't really be there, and some people that we have left behind actually should have.  There is no simple answer and no simple solution.  The only thing that is certain is that time has a way of bringing us the answers we seek.  Sometimes later, sometimes sooner, ready or not.

Advocare and all that is cleansing in my world

So I am on day three and doing better than I thought after carving out 90% of all of the things that I love and reach for when I want to eat.  Some things are harder to give up than others, but mostly - it's just about convenience.  I am an instant gratification person - if I am hungry - I want it, like yesterday.

I tend to be a bit impatient in most aspects of my life.  I want resolution and answers and results NOW.  Something to work on, especially as I am going through this lifestyle change.  Weight loss and the change to my body will take time.  I need to remain steadfast in my efforts, and the change will come.

Let's be clear - I am not trying to be skeletor.  I like being curvy, but I'd rather be firm curvy with the shape that I want.  And that shape is NOT round and lumpy lol.

That being said - me and the Advocare cleanse fiber drink are absolutely not friends.  I cannot get that crap to stay down for any amount of time.  As soon as I swallow it, back up it comes.  It was worse than morning sickness.  So - fiber supplements and I will begin our journey for the rest of this cleanse phase (7 more days if you are counting along with me).

My poor husband is trying to do this too, though I think he is a little worse for the wear without his icees.  What we can have is limited, but not unreasonable if you are committed to it.  Pre-baby body is a good motivator for me - and I am just ready.  I started this on a Wednesday, the week before Thanksgiving because I am firm in my belief that if you are not ready to make a change - it doesn't matter when you start - you are not going to follow through.  I am going to be faced with all kinds of obstacles in my life.  How I deal with those obstacles determines what I will get in return.  It's all about choices.  Choices that are the best for you, even if they are not always what you want. :)

confession - i am a control freak

the last few weeks have been crazy - some things from my past have come back to haunt, opening old wounds and making me deal with things that I was not (and am not) really prepared to deal with.  in the end, i am better for it, and need to feel what i am experiencing instead of squashing it down and ignoring it.

i feel like i am in this horrible emotional hang over though - i am so good at masking and moving on for the greater good of all that are in my life, that this change is going to be a little painful for me for a while.  i have been a doormat for far too long, but there are also better ways that i can express how i feel.  and that includes letting someone else lead, letting myself feel hurt, and be disappointed.  this also means not pretending like everything is perfect when it is not.

so much raw emotion has kicked my ass over the last few weeks.  i have this constant need to be in control of all things - it's safe that way...  i have not let myself be in the driver seat a lot of the time over the past few weeks.  i let someone get the better of me, and it pissed me off, but i actually let myself be angry, and hurt and disappointed at that moment, someone that i thought was a great person, really seemed not to be.  and instead of not saying anything, i let them have it.  the whole truth from beginning to end, and i called them on their bullshit.  some of this has been good, other parts of it remind me why i must be in the driver seat in some parts of my life.  i can only risk so much of my sanity on this journey.

*and yes i wrote this in lowercase on purpose, just because i can*

word vomit

So I cried today, twice - and really hard too.  And you know I feel so much better.  That panicky anxious shakiness that I have dealt with for the last few weeks is gone for the moment. 

I also word vomited on a few people these last few weeks, fessed up to a lot of things that I didn't want to admit to myself, let alone anyone else... and most of all I remembered that even if I want to tuck certain feelings away, I am going to lose that fight eventually.  While I am sure that this is totally vague to all but two or three (love you ladies BTW), this is a public blog and not a diary :)

 I feel focused and clearer than I have in a while on the path that I want to be on to get back to where I want to be. I am who I am, and it is time that I accepted that for myself, not just have the expectation for everyone else to.  That is part of this 'turning 30' ride that I have been on this year.  Self acceptance and wherewithal to just do what needs to be done, say what needs to be said, regardless of the outcome and just being true to my heart are my new goals.... and going to the gym.  Having a nice ass does wonders for the soul.  Just sayin. 

thinking out loud

So lately I have been much more crafty than usual - my sewing machine and I are becoming quite chummy.  So far I have been sewing to calm down from panic attacks (awesome combo of stress and heredity here - woo).

I am finding that I am enjoying it a lot and have been thinking of opening up an Etsy shop for scarves and blankets, etc.  We will see how motivated I feel about being 'on demand' with my sewing.  I am worried that if I am doing it for orders, that it may lose some of it's calming quotient for me...

Growing too fast!

It seems like just yesterday that Kingston was still floating around in my belly, we were just bringing him home, watching all of his firsts...

For the first time this weekend - I bought him 'big boy' body wash. Weird I know, but the big bottles of Johnson's baby wash last an eternity.  So.. between that and the fact that I bought him a pair of jams in a size 6, and they fit him... having one of those OMG what happened mommy moments.

Even though he still changes everyday, he becomes more of the grubby little boy and less of mommy's little snuggle bug.  I love it, but it makes me cling to the last bit of free kisses and snuggles that I am going to get from him (willingly).

reflection

maybe reflection isn't always a great thing.  there is so much that we hold ourselves to changing or accomplishing, even if it is irrational.  i am going through what i refer to as an angry phase.  i am tired of conformity, tired of mediocrity, tired of complacency.  i am tired of putting up with bullshit that i shouldn't just because i don't want to be the bad guy, don't want to hurt feelings, don't want there to be discord or disharmony.  all that is really happening is that i am losing respect for myself in the process.  this is not who i am and it is not the example that i want to set for my son to be.

while it is great to see all of these things in myself, it is the changes that need to be made that will prove the biggest hurdle.  i must start expecting that not everyone in my life is there for good.  i need to come to terms with the fact that there are ties that need cut, relationships that i have held onto that i should let go of, that there is a reason that these people hurt me and make me miserable.  i can only accept responsibility and fault for letting it continue, not for them being assholes.  i always want to see the best in people and i make it a point not to judge.  all of that good intention has left me with a lot of crosses to bear.   i wear my heart on my sleeve and there isn't much that i would not do for those that i am close to, but i am tired of being used and taken advantage of, and i am tired of the games.

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears