someday

I feel like my life is filled with a bunch of  'someday'.  

SOMEDAY:

I will stop caring what other think
I will be 'thin enough'
I will 'look pretty enough'
I will be enough
I will be respected
I will be what he wants
I will matter
I will be good enough for them 
They will see I am doing my best, and that will be enough

The list goes on.  

All incredibly personal.  All hurtful.  All things that break my heart and keep me awake at night.  All things and feelings that make me second guess walking out of the house each day, or getting out of bed.  And I allow it, because I don't know how to break the cycle.  Each day I rise, some days stronger than others, and I float through my day avoiding as much face to face contact as possible.  Avoiding eye contact, avoiding physical contact, avoiding you.

It's fear of rejection, fear of that look that people get when you are unwanted, fear of losing them just by being who you are.  Fear of knowing where I stand in the eyes of those that matter to me and that I care about.  I just wish I handled it better.  Getting sad or being afraid all of the time gets old, just like knowing that you'll never be 'good enough' for someone.  I am hoping that 32 brings me some peace and relief from insecurity, and the strength to walk away from all of the hurtful people in my life. I have so many good people in my life.  I want to flood my being with them instead.  The less room I make for hurt, the more room I have for happy. <3 font="">

Sad or angry... maybe both

I am getting too good at being sad.  That just empty sad that makes you feel cold and hopeless.  I shut down, I don't want to talk about it.  I just want to be alone with the very thoughts that trap me into that sadness.  

So many reasons for that too.  I don't want to be a burden.  I need to find my own voice and my own strength and my own reasons to be happy.

But I am not happy.  I am relieved, and I am at peace with my choices, but I am not happy.  I still seek and effectively participate in friendships and relationships where I go out of my way to be of support and be kind.  And even though I do not do things with the expectation of anything in return, I find that I miss the relationships that I FELT like I was as important to that person as they are/were to me.  

I feel like what is missing is knowing that when the immediate need for someone to lean on is over, that there will be a lasting relationship there for BOTH of us.  I feel taken advantage of, led on, taken for granted and finally - just sad.

Here's the thing... I am not looking to be some one's mom.  I have a kid.  I am not looking to be a temporary support so that when whatever feud you are having is over, you can cast me aside.  I don't want to be your drunk Friday night phone call, looking for someone to hook up with and I don't want to be your secret.  

And that's where the sadness stops and the anger comes in.  Just because I am vulnerable doesn't mean that I deserve your games and bullshit.  Just because I am not gorgeous and thin doesn't mean that I need you to make me feel that I should be ashamed of how I look, and that I should be thankful that you paid me a compliment because not many would.  I love being told how much you appreciate thick women before you ask me if I want to hook up.  I am fine being alone.  That's the beauty of choosing divorce.  So if you are reading this and thinking it's about you, it probably fucking is.  

You want to give me a compliment, then fucking mean it.  Don't sucker sandwich it or better yet, just keep it to yourself.  I want people in my life that are proud to call me their friend above all else.  I am so tired of being taken advantage of.  I am tired of being asked if I want to fuck now that I am single or if I want to send you dirty pics or messages or whatever else.  

How about you ask me if I want to get a cup of coffee or have lunch.  Maybe talk to me and look me in the eye instead of staring at my rack.  The only person that I owe anything is myself and that is taking back the respect and self worth that I have let others take from me.  I am my own and I intend to stay that way because I am not ready to be anything other than that.  

And for those of you that read this, that are truly meaningful in our friendships and relationships, simply - Thank you.  I appreciate you for all that you are in my life and for all of the support and kind words and late night chats that we have shared.  

All journeys have their ups and downs.  While this post isn't the most pleasant and nothing really happened to trigger me posting it... it's just been there for a while, eating away at whatever I work to build and I needed to get it all out. 

All my love,

A

stations in life...

Making the decision to follow my heart isn't always an easy one.  I care deeply for others, and try to have faith in their positions in my life... I am also finding that just because someone tells you that they aren't going anywhere and that they care, doesn't mean that they do or that they will be there for you when you need them.

I don't know if letting others make me feel unworthy of their friendship and time makes me feel worse than pretending that I don't feel it at all.  Giving someone the ability to hurt you, and then having it happen is painful.  Especially when it's slow and obvious.

I have always felt that if someone wants you in their life, they will put you there.  And that being in your life will not be conditional.  That how you look won't matter, what size you wear isn't important and that most of all, you are worth making time to spend with, no matter how busy either of you are.

I find it amazing how quickly your heart can change as well, how fast you can grow close to someone and make a true friend when you take the time to see a person for who they really are.

I have made such a friend in the last month and I am grateful for that person in my life.  Sitting around in sweats, watching tv, and eating pizza - stupid chats, and laughing about our own shortcomings instantly bonds you to a person that is going through the same or similar life changes as you.

I am happy that I took a risk, and gave myself the chance to have such a great support and friend in my life. ♥

mixed signals, confused hearts and moving on

So I did it.  I am out on my own. Other than the commute, I am happy with my choice.  Still a lot of struggle.  Still a lot of confusion over some of my friendships and relationships.  Some of which feel like they are going in the opposite direction of how I wanted them to go.  Others, well I am glad to be moving away from them, because I don't need to be held hostage in my own life and I don't want that happening to others that are my friends.

I can't decide if I think that I am changing and growing, or if things are changing around me and I remain the same.

I know that I feel that I am losing someone I care so much about, and watching it fall apart is killing me.  I know that I have a lot of people to rely on, and people that care.  And that's been such a relief and blessing.  But my heart still hurts.  I miss my friend, and they know.  I don't know whether to try harder or give up.  Either way - I doubt that I will win.  It's not my place to try to control the hearts and will of others.  I can only be who I am and hope they want to be in my life.

We constantly have people that touch our lives, for the better and some for the worst.  Always a lesson, always a reason, and always causing change. 

So even though I am still unsure with signals that are mixed from the world and from a friend, I move forward, because there are much better things ahead for me. ♥

cloudy... with a chance of disaster

A weekend full of panic, frustration and tears is exhausting.  Chaos, and uncertainty amplify my already worn thin sense of self.

This week should end on a positive note, though a busy and completely life changing one.  

Everyday, I find a little more relief, but also - I grow impatient.  I trust too easily, forgive too often things that I should not, and most of all, I am afraid of the very thing that make me so happy.  

I am afraid to fail, afraid to trust in my heart, and afraid to believe that anything is really real.  I am afraid that I will always fall back into not being good enough, always needing to apologize.  I don't know how to not feel like I am bothering someone with my presence.  I don't know how not to feel like a burden or annoyance.

More importantly, I am afraid of losing all of the strength that I have worked so hard for, because I cannot see in myself, all the things that I need to see and focus on.

self sabotage

I am incredible at it.  Really.  I just want to be happy, and well adjusted, and... normal?  We will roll with that for lack of a better word.  Normal, but not ordinary.

I am in my last week of 'family' life before I set off into single motherhood and living on my own.  I am nervous, but ready.  Things have been in a constant state of unrest for a year, and really for much longer than that.  All of my saving, and purchasing and planning - it is all in play now.

I am hoping that I can just breathe out all of the stress, all of my insecurities and embrace my imperfection in the coming weeks and just love where I am in my journey and just go where my path leads me.

My life, my choice, my heart, my feelings, my dreams - no one has the power to take any of those from me unless I give them the power to do so.

Self sabotage comes in when I feel taken advantage of, insecure, used or just foolish for trusting those that I shouldn't, but it only affects those that actually stick around or want to, because I am unable to trust that they are not going to do or are not doing the same things to me.

I don't know how long this phase lasts, but I am over it already!  Six days to a new life, and hopefully - a new attitude.

Feeling restless

So many good things have happened in the last few weeks. I have met some wonderful people, purged some not so wonderful people.  Found an apartment, which is in the final check stages and I will hopefully be moving into my new place in two weeks.

This has been a long road.  I know that I am leaving one struggle for another, and I have lost a lot of trust and faith along the way.  It's hard to feel like the people that you love and trust the most, are incapable of supporting you in the way that you need them to because they do not agree with your choices, your path, or your way of handling things.

I have to follow my heart and do what is best.  I will always think of my child, but I need to be happy too.  I need a break from constant stress, drama, lies, inconsistency and judgement.  I feel like these last few weeks of my 'old life' are going to drag.  I feel like I am going to continue to be moody and uncomfortable.  I am going to continue to see so clearly why I am making this choice, which has been pretty much every minute of today.  And I get SO ANGRY watching it all unfold in front of me.  Making me feel like my need to not hurt feelings and my need for order and to be the stand up person have left me trapped in insecurity and sadness.

I am ready to just be in my own space with my own things and my own comforts, the smallest of things being out of place or disrespectful are setting me off.

Seriously, zero to bitch in 60 seconds. What bothers me though, is that I am full of self doubt, I find that I am having a hard time trusting anyone, and it's not that they have even done anything wrong.  I am in the constant battle with my rational self and with the aftermath of the last several years of my life.  I know that it will take time, but I don't like being that person. I don't like feeling off, and most of all, I don't like feeling paranoid, selfish or jealous.  At least I am self aware and can give myself a time out... that's always a plus.