Feeling restless

So many good things have happened in the last few weeks. I have met some wonderful people, purged some not so wonderful people.  Found an apartment, which is in the final check stages and I will hopefully be moving into my new place in two weeks.

This has been a long road.  I know that I am leaving one struggle for another, and I have lost a lot of trust and faith along the way.  It's hard to feel like the people that you love and trust the most, are incapable of supporting you in the way that you need them to because they do not agree with your choices, your path, or your way of handling things.

I have to follow my heart and do what is best.  I will always think of my child, but I need to be happy too.  I need a break from constant stress, drama, lies, inconsistency and judgement.  I feel like these last few weeks of my 'old life' are going to drag.  I feel like I am going to continue to be moody and uncomfortable.  I am going to continue to see so clearly why I am making this choice, which has been pretty much every minute of today.  And I get SO ANGRY watching it all unfold in front of me.  Making me feel like my need to not hurt feelings and my need for order and to be the stand up person have left me trapped in insecurity and sadness.

I am ready to just be in my own space with my own things and my own comforts, the smallest of things being out of place or disrespectful are setting me off.

Seriously, zero to bitch in 60 seconds. What bothers me though, is that I am full of self doubt, I find that I am having a hard time trusting anyone, and it's not that they have even done anything wrong.  I am in the constant battle with my rational self and with the aftermath of the last several years of my life.  I know that it will take time, but I don't like being that person. I don't like feeling off, and most of all, I don't like feeling paranoid, selfish or jealous.  At least I am self aware and can give myself a time out... that's always a plus.

Healing... really.

“Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.”

- Marc Hack

It's so important to me to remember that I will never see myself the way others see me.  That is both good and bad.  As I am moving onto other stations in my life, I have to allow myself to be who I am and to accept myself as I am.  

I am constantly reminded of so many cliche quotes that tell us all the same thing, keep your heart open, don't let yourself be scarred, someone that truly loves you will always accept you.  And I don't disagree... but I do believe firmly that we must be our own, and love ourselves before we can be another's and love another the way that they deserve.

Part of healing for me is realizing that it is ok to say no, that I am better than what I have put up with, and that my heart is not broken anymore.  I cannot change the choices I have made, change the places I have been or forget the paths that I have walked.  I can learn from them and allow them to shape my future choices.

I will always treat others how I want to be treated, but now I will expect that they treat me with the same respect, or they will find themselves no longer a part of my life.

I has taken me a long time to find my own voice.  I am still surprised at my ability to say what I need to say lately.  While I still have a lot of work to do, at least it's progress. ♥

Painfully, still a work in progress

I am sad, sad in ways that I can't explain and even if I could - I don't know that I would want to. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I genuinely care about people. I get hurt by the stupidest shit because of it. Either my my own self doubt, or allowing my insecurities to twist what was meant around into something else altogether.

I live with the constant, internal nagging of my own imperfection and feelings of inadequacy. I am never good enough. And I am not sure if this is something that I am doing to myself, or continuing to feel it even though the causes of why I felt it before have been (mostly) silenced.

I thought that I had made so much progress at walking away from people that I allow to continually hurt me over and over again.  Obviously I need to keep distancing myself from the hurtful people and embracing my friendship that truly are FRIENDSHIPS and not about convenience, need or ulterior motives. Honestly though, I need to learn to be more comfortable in my own skin, realize that most of the people in my life are there because they truly want to be there. 

I am far from perfect, and I do not expect perfection from anyone else - there are others that think that way too.  

Being mid release on a huge project, job insecurity, a failed marriage, a crazy five year old, being unable to find a decent place... plus EVERYTHING else... it's just a bit much right now.  I am exhausted.  I am frustrated and angry.  I feel unaccomplished.  Hurry up and wait to fight and fail.  Kinda been the motto lately.  I am ready to move past all of that.  

Maybe if I tattoo 'I am enough the way that I am'... I will remember it and live it.  It will hurt far less than everything that I have gone through.

acceptance and fear

There are so many many things that are swirling in my head... but mostly - I am relieved.  I have come to terms with something that I have needed to deal with for so long... and I just feel so much better for having been honest and for once, doing what I knew needed to be done.

With that though, I have replaced the unease of this elephant that has sat in the room forever, with the fear of what lies ahead.  Financially, and even friends... My whole life is about to change, and I am finding that I am changed by it.  While I am clear headed and have acceptance about all that I have felt and been through in the last year, I am still moving into unfamiliar waters and I am not alone in that.  My need to provide and protect and be stable is more important than ever, and that is now a new source of stress that has not really been an issue in the way that it now is... and that is frightening to me.

I am finding some of my friendships and relationships fleeting, I am feeling judged, feeling taken advantage of, vulnerable and a little lost too.  I am sure that what is meant to be, will eventually be.  I am trusting that I will be settled soon and I can finally take a deep breath and let it all go.

It's the waiting, the transition that are weighing... how and when and where...

just... hurt

nothing hurts like trusting someone and then figuring out that they are not who you thought they were.  i am not sure i have ever felt so used... ever.  and i care a lot about that person, even still.  i would have gone out of my way to do anything for them.  i am going through a lot of life changes right now, and i really thought that this person was going to be there and supportive on my journey.  and i keep hoping that i am wrong, but deep down i know that yet again, and as always - i cared more for someone than they cared for me.  so i have a choice.  i either decide to be cold-hearted and mean, which is not who i want to be, or i continue to put myself out there for people that i think are going to be good additions to my life and continue to get hurt.

maybe it just is what it is.  maybe i am just a fool.  and maybe i am just tired of everything being more trouble than it is worth. i know that i am certainly tired of being sad and disappointed.

just... tired

I am tired in a way that I can't explain, and sad in a way that I cannot overcome right now.  So much moving and changing, so much second guessing.  There are too many people pulling me in the direction that they want me to go, I know they mean well - it's just too much for me right now.  I don't have enough energy to do anything, but shut down.  So it's a bit of a regression.  I am not feeling strong, or world conquering right now.  I am not sure of the path that I am on, or what I want anymore.  It seems like every path that I think is the right one, has more hurdles that the one before.  I have always said that I don't need it to be easy, that I need it to be worth it... but I need something to go my way so I can just catch my breath.

surgery tomorrow

I am both relieved to just have it over with and dreading the healing process at the same time.  I have been preparing myself for this surgery for over a year, but to have a consult and the specialist to want to do the surgery two days later was a little daunting.  My mouth is going to be a mess of stitches and cuts and wire, and then possibly braces at the end of all of this magical little rainbow.  But at least it will be over.  I never thought when I got my tongue pierced at 17 that it would cost me thousands later in life.  While I am sure that I could have been diligent when I knew something was wrong, I can't change it now.  So bone and tissue grafts tomorrow.  Thank God it's only in one spot and not my whole mouth.

So I am nervous - I don't do well with anesthesia, or coming out of it - and Jerod is going to be home with me on Wednesday when the evil kicks in after I wake up.  Couldn't have picked a better victim.

We will see how the magic of vicodin works for me.  Apologies in advance if I drug text you. :)

Here is to celebrating my new lisp from the wire holding my teeth in place as a pre-surgery precaution...