more of the insignificance

On my mind - too much to mention... but my inspiration: I know a girl, she puts the color inside of my world. But she's like a maze, where all of the walls all continually change

I am at a cross road, one that is neither pleasant or full of things that aren't hurtful.  I have decisions to make, I have influences that I don't need and didn't intend to have, and people in my life that I allow to have way too much of me when I don't matter to them.

I am fed up with chaos and drama and I keep walking right back into it.  Maybe it's the company I keep.  Maybe it's that I wear my heart on my sleeve.  Maybe I just miss being carefree. Maybe it's my karma.

And I know that it's my life and that I get out of it what I put into it, and that I make my own happiness and so on, but right now - all I can say is fuck all of that cliche bullshit.  I am tired of having to re-do my make up.

I tattooed 'Her mouth speaks from that which fills her heart' above my heart to remember to always be honest about how I feel.  Not serving me well right now. Eventually all of the pieces will fall into place and I will find my happy.

I just have to keep doing me, and forgetting about who and what hurts me and what everyone else thinks.

careful with your heart

what hurts is knowing that you care about someone more than they care about you.  in that is the realization that you go out of your way to keep in contact, because you miss them or are thinking of them, and it's met with ambivalence or a lack of response.  my instinct is to reach for anger, to be mean.  sometimes it wins.  really i just want to run away, hurt and sad and so many other things.

i just want to be significant like they are to me.  it doesn't mean that i need them to have the same sentiment that i do, but i do ask for them to respect how i feel and not take advantage or tread upon my heart.  right now i just want to remember to breathe, and that like everything else - this too shall pass.

check mate

i am having one of those days where i feel like no matter how hard i try, no matter what my intentions, and no matter where my heart is - i am just going to lose.  i am lost in my own head 90% of the time anymore.  i can't shake the insecurities... all of the sudden i am a green eyed monster of things of insignificance.  i am just never good enough just being who i am.  it stings a lot.


quote for strength:


“If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”  - Bob Marley ♥

Currently...

Watching: My inbox creeping to 1000, and my meetings creeping into my lunch lol

Thinking About: How to make my life less stressful, continuing to make changes that have needed made for a long time, and having the strength to just be who I am without feeling judged.  How much work I have.  Making good choices, sticking to what I think is right, picking my battles and piercings (inside joke).

Loving:  The changes that I am making in my life and watching the positive affect that it has on all aspects of my life.

Excited About:  Continuing to be healthy and happy for the first time in a long time.  And Christmas of course!

Reading: Just finished Bared to You and Reflected in You.  Need something new while I wait for the third one to come out!

Thankful for:  Good friends that come from out of no where and support you in ways that you didn't think they would or could.

it's all about control

vent post.

I am an adult - seriously.  You are not my daddy, and you are not my boss.  I have never, at any point made, put you in a position to control anything that I do.  So - get a grip.

I am going to do what I think is right, when I think it is right.  Unless I feel that you need to have an opinion - yours doesn't count.  Just sayin.

People trying to control things in my life that are not their business to control is a huge issue for me,  moreover - when you try to control something that doesn't require control,  it is not something that I am prepared to take lightly.

the upside of anger

Late on a Sunday night I am sitting wondering.. if there really is an upside to anger? I spend so much time trying to just count it out and breathe to avoid that emotion... Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to just get really pissed off and punch something or throw something, or call someone all of the things that I call them in the privacy of my own mind.  Then, I am not sure that the object being punched would deserve it, that my knuckles would appreciate it or that I'd want to deal with any of the aftermath of getting that angry... then I realize that I am that angry.

I get mean, moody, irrational,  and then I just resent the hell out of the person. Even if they are doing something that I would love normally, it because something negative. Sometimes I cannot get past something hurtful that they said, sometimes it is so many small shitty things that I have lost count.

At the end of it all it still leaves me putting up with more than I should to be happy.  When you are so entwined in life with some of these people, how do you unravel yourself?  How do you not be hurtful, but still be honest and get through the them?

I haven't found those answers.  I am not sure that I ever will.

Perfectly me...