surgery tomorrow

I am both relieved to just have it over with and dreading the healing process at the same time.  I have been preparing myself for this surgery for over a year, but to have a consult and the specialist to want to do the surgery two days later was a little daunting.  My mouth is going to be a mess of stitches and cuts and wire, and then possibly braces at the end of all of this magical little rainbow.  But at least it will be over.  I never thought when I got my tongue pierced at 17 that it would cost me thousands later in life.  While I am sure that I could have been diligent when I knew something was wrong, I can't change it now.  So bone and tissue grafts tomorrow.  Thank God it's only in one spot and not my whole mouth.

So I am nervous - I don't do well with anesthesia, or coming out of it - and Jerod is going to be home with me on Wednesday when the evil kicks in after I wake up.  Couldn't have picked a better victim.

We will see how the magic of vicodin works for me.  Apologies in advance if I drug text you. :)

Here is to celebrating my new lisp from the wire holding my teeth in place as a pre-surgery precaution...

giving up or giving in

one of the worst things we all experience is the loss of friendship in another. no matter how you came across that person, i believe that all people are put in our lives for a reason.  while not all of the people that are in our lives are people that we want, there is a reason that we are tested or are given the gift of their love or friendship. that being said, i am also a closure person, and i hate to leave anything unresolved.  i prefer honesty to sugar coating, and truth to bullshit.

i just hate when i am faced with feeling foolish for trusting the wrong people, even if i wanted them to be so much better than what everyone else saw that i didn't. what is worse are the friends that we lose to life in general.  you have kids, get married, start a new job.  and the worst of all is the shut down.  where one day you just don't matter, without rhyme or reason or maybe just without explanation.  all hurtful, all sad, and most - unnecessary.

so do you give up on someone just because they give up on you?  do you change your ways to suit their needs, is that something that you should compromise?  or do you tell yourself that if they really wanted to be in your life, that they would make an effort and wouldn't have given up on you in the first place.

i hate when i lack foresight in my relationships, of all kinds.  i always want to see the best in people or think that we all have good intentions.  unfortunately, i continue to be disappointed by putting myself out there for others, that do not have the same respect for me.

another day. another drama i guess.

Taking a breath

I cleaned like a mad woman today in an emotion fueled OCD driven mania. And it only made my anxiety worse today. I couldn't get anything organized enough. Nothing was clean enough. Thankfully I sat myself down and just read for a while. I read the entire book, getting lost in something else for a while. And just caught my breath. It was so good to tune out all of the thoughts in my head. All of the insecurities that I have all built up. All of the errant misconceptions and to-do lists. All of the nagging and sadness and anger. It was nice to not worry about anything for a few hours. I feel better right now than I have felt all week and hopefully I will sleep well.

catching my stride

It is amazing how much I accomplish when I feel backed into a corner.  It's even more amazing what a great motivator anger is.  I am not a fan of limbo.  I hate leaving or having things that are hanging in the balance.  Moreover, I don't like creating'what if' experiences because I am too wrapped up to get through all of the things that need to be completed..

It's been a good week for getting back into my stride.  While there have been people that I missed this week, and had hoped to talk to and didn't - there was a good amount of catching up with old friends and rekindling spirits with other friends.

I got all of my work done for the week on time, and that makes me feel so much less stressed out.  I have also made some serious progress in other areas of my life that need planning and order so that I can cope, manage and move forward.

Time moves so quickly, yet it seems like reaching the goals that I have set take far too much time to make a difference

courage

I always know what I want... it seems like I can plan and plan and make sure that every detail is accounted for, and then... I lose the courage to make it happen.  I know I am afraid, but I don't know why.  I hate just going through the motions, the same thing day in and day out, knowing that what is best for me is hiding in my head, and that I just need to push a little harder to make it happen.

I don't understand sometimes why the fear of being wrong, or the fear of rejection, or even the fear of looking foolish, no matter how irrational will stop me in my tracks.

Maybe it's the people that I seek acceptance from, or the people that I am desperately trying to distance myself from.  Or maybe it's my own insecurity... whatever it is... I need to learn how to start having faith in what I know is right, even if it is not guaranteed to be smooth and easy.  And even if I might hurt someone that I don't want to hurt (which is most people, even if they have hurt me).

enough.

double meaning to this post.  first of all, i have had more than enough of all of the drama and bullshit. i am tired, better yet, i am fucking EXHAUSTED with always being expected to be the bigger person, to keep my mouth shut and to act like everything is perfect when it's really a mess.

i am tired of choosing sides or not choosing sides or not being able to have an opinion or just live my own life because someone else doesn't like who i am or what i am or what i choose to be.  so enough.  this is me.  this is who i am.  i am not being someone else's person anymore.  i don't care if you like the company i keep.  or the choices that i make.  and i most of all if you can't say what you need to say then i have had enough of you too.  take your passive aggressive shit talking and shove it up your ass.  you'll find your own head their too. family is supposed to be all of the time. not when you fucking feel like it.

i am an adult.  have been for a long time, longer than i should have had to have been.  and you know what - i can't change that.  but you can bet that i can change those that i allow to affect my future and the future of my family.  it didn't have to be like this and it is not my fault.

this has been a long weekend of loss and anger and i am done with it all.

a years worth of reflection...

At this time last year I was a mess about turning 30. I made the vow to myself last year to make a lot of changes.  And I have made many.  I cut off a foot and a half of my hair and donated it, went through 4 or so hair colors, dropped 30 pounds, have several new tattoos ... and finally started caring again about how I looked and how I presented myself.  My tattoos all have meaning, they are all pieces of where I am in life right now and a reminder that it is OK to actually be honest about what I feel, but that it may also hurt to be that honest.  There is catharsis in tattooing my soul onto my skin.  Physical pain is generally easier to handle then the actual anguish that served as the inspiration behind them.

I realized last year that I had moved so far away from who I really am and who I wanted to be that I was barely recognizable anymore.  Not all of the changes that I have made and still need to finish putting into action are pleasant... they are difficult life changes in so many ways.  Will power and patience are a powerful thing, especially when there is a long road ahead with no guarantees of what will happen at the end.  There are far too many people in my life that have remained because I do not like to hurt people, even when they hurt me.  And there are times that I lash out at the people that matter most over the smallest things because it hurt more than it should have.  I still have a lot of anger (Irish... going to always fight that battle) and I am trying not to let all of the pain that I am working through get the better of that temper... It's not gone well for me recently.

I am not proud of some of the choices that I have made, nor of some of the bridges that I have burned, but I have come to understand that those are necessary for me to really be happy and stay in that place.

I have opened old wounds, only to realize why I had those scars in the first place.  Most of all, I have come to the realization that until I learned to put myself first, I was always going to be a doormat.  I have also learned that I have support in places that I did not know I had, and that some of the support that I thought I had was superficial and judgmental...

In all of the last 12 months, I am happy with the path that I have started on, and will continue down.  It's so easy to be irrational and just leap without looking.  I don't have that luxury... one of the joys of not being a kid anymore.  I don't need anything to be easy.  I just need it to be worth the work that it took to get there. I have been the lowest of lows this year, and I know that I haven't seen my last day like that... but as long as I stay focused on what I really want... eventually it will just be a memory of the struggle and what I went through to have everything that I wanted and needed.