acceptance and fear

There are so many many things that are swirling in my head... but mostly - I am relieved.  I have come to terms with something that I have needed to deal with for so long... and I just feel so much better for having been honest and for once, doing what I knew needed to be done.

With that though, I have replaced the unease of this elephant that has sat in the room forever, with the fear of what lies ahead.  Financially, and even friends... My whole life is about to change, and I am finding that I am changed by it.  While I am clear headed and have acceptance about all that I have felt and been through in the last year, I am still moving into unfamiliar waters and I am not alone in that.  My need to provide and protect and be stable is more important than ever, and that is now a new source of stress that has not really been an issue in the way that it now is... and that is frightening to me.

I am finding some of my friendships and relationships fleeting, I am feeling judged, feeling taken advantage of, vulnerable and a little lost too.  I am sure that what is meant to be, will eventually be.  I am trusting that I will be settled soon and I can finally take a deep breath and let it all go.

It's the waiting, the transition that are weighing... how and when and where...

just... hurt

nothing hurts like trusting someone and then figuring out that they are not who you thought they were.  i am not sure i have ever felt so used... ever.  and i care a lot about that person, even still.  i would have gone out of my way to do anything for them.  i am going through a lot of life changes right now, and i really thought that this person was going to be there and supportive on my journey.  and i keep hoping that i am wrong, but deep down i know that yet again, and as always - i cared more for someone than they cared for me.  so i have a choice.  i either decide to be cold-hearted and mean, which is not who i want to be, or i continue to put myself out there for people that i think are going to be good additions to my life and continue to get hurt.

maybe it just is what it is.  maybe i am just a fool.  and maybe i am just tired of everything being more trouble than it is worth. i know that i am certainly tired of being sad and disappointed.