I feel like my life is filled with a bunch of 'someday'.
SOMEDAY:
I will stop caring what other think
I will be 'thin enough'
I will 'look pretty enough'
I will be enough
I will be respected
I will be what he wants
I will matter
I will be good enough for them
They will see I am doing my best, and that will be enough
The list goes on.
All incredibly personal. All hurtful. All things that break my heart and keep me awake at night. All things and feelings that make me second guess walking out of the house each day, or getting out of bed. And I allow it, because I don't know how to break the cycle. Each day I rise, some days stronger than others, and I float through my day avoiding as much face to face contact as possible. Avoiding eye contact, avoiding physical contact, avoiding you.
It's fear of rejection, fear of that look that people get when you are unwanted, fear of losing them just by being who you are. Fear of knowing where I stand in the eyes of those that matter to me and that I care about. I just wish I handled it better. Getting sad or being afraid all of the time gets old, just like knowing that you'll never be 'good enough' for someone. I am hoping that 32 brings me some peace and relief from insecurity, and the strength to walk away from all of the hurtful people in my life. I have so many good people in my life. I want to flood my being with them instead. The less room I make for hurt, the more room I have for happy. <3 font="">
