Sad or angry... maybe both

I am getting too good at being sad.  That just empty sad that makes you feel cold and hopeless.  I shut down, I don't want to talk about it.  I just want to be alone with the very thoughts that trap me into that sadness.  

So many reasons for that too.  I don't want to be a burden.  I need to find my own voice and my own strength and my own reasons to be happy.

But I am not happy.  I am relieved, and I am at peace with my choices, but I am not happy.  I still seek and effectively participate in friendships and relationships where I go out of my way to be of support and be kind.  And even though I do not do things with the expectation of anything in return, I find that I miss the relationships that I FELT like I was as important to that person as they are/were to me.  

I feel like what is missing is knowing that when the immediate need for someone to lean on is over, that there will be a lasting relationship there for BOTH of us.  I feel taken advantage of, led on, taken for granted and finally - just sad.

Here's the thing... I am not looking to be some one's mom.  I have a kid.  I am not looking to be a temporary support so that when whatever feud you are having is over, you can cast me aside.  I don't want to be your drunk Friday night phone call, looking for someone to hook up with and I don't want to be your secret.  

And that's where the sadness stops and the anger comes in.  Just because I am vulnerable doesn't mean that I deserve your games and bullshit.  Just because I am not gorgeous and thin doesn't mean that I need you to make me feel that I should be ashamed of how I look, and that I should be thankful that you paid me a compliment because not many would.  I love being told how much you appreciate thick women before you ask me if I want to hook up.  I am fine being alone.  That's the beauty of choosing divorce.  So if you are reading this and thinking it's about you, it probably fucking is.  

You want to give me a compliment, then fucking mean it.  Don't sucker sandwich it or better yet, just keep it to yourself.  I want people in my life that are proud to call me their friend above all else.  I am so tired of being taken advantage of.  I am tired of being asked if I want to fuck now that I am single or if I want to send you dirty pics or messages or whatever else.  

How about you ask me if I want to get a cup of coffee or have lunch.  Maybe talk to me and look me in the eye instead of staring at my rack.  The only person that I owe anything is myself and that is taking back the respect and self worth that I have let others take from me.  I am my own and I intend to stay that way because I am not ready to be anything other than that.  

And for those of you that read this, that are truly meaningful in our friendships and relationships, simply - Thank you.  I appreciate you for all that you are in my life and for all of the support and kind words and late night chats that we have shared.  

All journeys have their ups and downs.  While this post isn't the most pleasant and nothing really happened to trigger me posting it... it's just been there for a while, eating away at whatever I work to build and I needed to get it all out. 

All my love,

A

stations in life...

Making the decision to follow my heart isn't always an easy one.  I care deeply for others, and try to have faith in their positions in my life... I am also finding that just because someone tells you that they aren't going anywhere and that they care, doesn't mean that they do or that they will be there for you when you need them.

I don't know if letting others make me feel unworthy of their friendship and time makes me feel worse than pretending that I don't feel it at all.  Giving someone the ability to hurt you, and then having it happen is painful.  Especially when it's slow and obvious.

I have always felt that if someone wants you in their life, they will put you there.  And that being in your life will not be conditional.  That how you look won't matter, what size you wear isn't important and that most of all, you are worth making time to spend with, no matter how busy either of you are.

I find it amazing how quickly your heart can change as well, how fast you can grow close to someone and make a true friend when you take the time to see a person for who they really are.

I have made such a friend in the last month and I am grateful for that person in my life.  Sitting around in sweats, watching tv, and eating pizza - stupid chats, and laughing about our own shortcomings instantly bonds you to a person that is going through the same or similar life changes as you.

I am happy that I took a risk, and gave myself the chance to have such a great support and friend in my life. ♥