thinking out loud

So lately I have been much more crafty than usual - my sewing machine and I are becoming quite chummy.  So far I have been sewing to calm down from panic attacks (awesome combo of stress and heredity here - woo).

I am finding that I am enjoying it a lot and have been thinking of opening up an Etsy shop for scarves and blankets, etc.  We will see how motivated I feel about being 'on demand' with my sewing.  I am worried that if I am doing it for orders, that it may lose some of it's calming quotient for me...

Growing too fast!

It seems like just yesterday that Kingston was still floating around in my belly, we were just bringing him home, watching all of his firsts...

For the first time this weekend - I bought him 'big boy' body wash. Weird I know, but the big bottles of Johnson's baby wash last an eternity.  So.. between that and the fact that I bought him a pair of jams in a size 6, and they fit him... having one of those OMG what happened mommy moments.

Even though he still changes everyday, he becomes more of the grubby little boy and less of mommy's little snuggle bug.  I love it, but it makes me cling to the last bit of free kisses and snuggles that I am going to get from him (willingly).

reflection

maybe reflection isn't always a great thing.  there is so much that we hold ourselves to changing or accomplishing, even if it is irrational.  i am going through what i refer to as an angry phase.  i am tired of conformity, tired of mediocrity, tired of complacency.  i am tired of putting up with bullshit that i shouldn't just because i don't want to be the bad guy, don't want to hurt feelings, don't want there to be discord or disharmony.  all that is really happening is that i am losing respect for myself in the process.  this is not who i am and it is not the example that i want to set for my son to be.

while it is great to see all of these things in myself, it is the changes that need to be made that will prove the biggest hurdle.  i must start expecting that not everyone in my life is there for good.  i need to come to terms with the fact that there are ties that need cut, relationships that i have held onto that i should let go of, that there is a reason that these people hurt me and make me miserable.  i can only accept responsibility and fault for letting it continue, not for them being assholes.  i always want to see the best in people and i make it a point not to judge.  all of that good intention has left me with a lot of crosses to bear.   i wear my heart on my sleeve and there isn't much that i would not do for those that i am close to, but i am tired of being used and taken advantage of, and i am tired of the games.

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

Sigh

Today was really disheartening. We had parent teacher conferences for the girls and while we knew that there had been some struggles with tests recently, we were not really prepared for what is not happening at home for them. Homework not being completed consistently, glasses not coming to school when they are supposed to be worn at all times, sheets not getting signed. The school has asked for a pair of glasses to be left there for her. How bad is that??

The effort that we put forth is undermined by the fact that no one else wants to continue with it. We only get so much time with the girls, and we want some of it to be family time too. Not just make up for study time and learning that they are missing the rest of the week. What are we to do? Below grade level reading, needing extra help in math and reading, are we to ignore that they really need the help?

I am a firm believer that education is so important. More important is actually being an informed and involved parent. I don't care that I didn't give birth to these girls. I will always hope and fight alongside Jerod to give them everything that they need. I just don't understand how this is an issue, and why it isn't being addressed by the school district honestly.

How many times do we have to call children's services and the principal to get someone to do something for these girls.

I pray to god that the court will do something this time.

the radio reads my mind :)

Why does it always seem that when I have something on my mind, or an issue that I am trying to work out, that every damn song the radio plays intensifies how I feel about it or brings my mind back to it when I am trying NOT to think about it!  At least I don't listen to country lol.  Focus needed, aggravation of my ADD is not! That is all.