reflection

maybe reflection isn't always a great thing.  there is so much that we hold ourselves to changing or accomplishing, even if it is irrational.  i am going through what i refer to as an angry phase.  i am tired of conformity, tired of mediocrity, tired of complacency.  i am tired of putting up with bullshit that i shouldn't just because i don't want to be the bad guy, don't want to hurt feelings, don't want there to be discord or disharmony.  all that is really happening is that i am losing respect for myself in the process.  this is not who i am and it is not the example that i want to set for my son to be.

while it is great to see all of these things in myself, it is the changes that need to be made that will prove the biggest hurdle.  i must start expecting that not everyone in my life is there for good.  i need to come to terms with the fact that there are ties that need cut, relationships that i have held onto that i should let go of, that there is a reason that these people hurt me and make me miserable.  i can only accept responsibility and fault for letting it continue, not for them being assholes.  i always want to see the best in people and i make it a point not to judge.  all of that good intention has left me with a lot of crosses to bear.   i wear my heart on my sleeve and there isn't much that i would not do for those that i am close to, but i am tired of being used and taken advantage of, and i am tired of the games.

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears