A year and a half since my last post... and you know... so much and nothing at all has changed.
I am still foolishly a caretaker for so many, too many. An enabler. Nothing is more frustrating than being aware that you are making the same mistakes, and are seemingly unable to break the cycle for yourself.
I get tired, tired in a way that sleep doesn't fix, talking doesn't cure, and action causes me guilt. I think it's also called being a fucking doormat, but... I guess that is who I am.
My son comes first, then my stepkids... and then it seems that everyone else that I know comes before me, because me coming before them seems selfish. I realize how irrational it is, but still feel guilty when I buy expensive make up and watch one of my friends struggle. I don't understand why it is so hard for me to say no. To celebrate my own successes with something that I want, because someone else is in need.
This translates into my emotional life as well. I feel trapped in the same life that I have been living for years, but left a long time ago. Some of it is guilty. Some of it is that I care. The rest is it being routine.
I find myself at crossroads. I have left a lot of negative and toxic friendships and people behind, but I am almost the most toxic because I cannot seem to make an effort for just me, ever.
I am torn between the life I feel obligated to live, and the life that I want for myself. I don't know how to disengage. I don't know how to unravel all of the hands and arms and expectations and demands. I don't know how to stand up for myself without hurting those that rely on me and cannot see that they are breaking me down in the process.
I feel guilty for finding happiness and fearing expressing it or actually closing the gap to make it real because I will be judged for moving on.
I am constantly feeling suffocated and swallowed. I can't get the small space that I have to myself clean enough and I can't get away enough to decompress. I feel constantly on edge. I know what I need to do and feel wrong for needing it.
So I am just floating. Taking my wins where I can get them. Praying that my karma is clean and that eventually, it will pay off.
