So many cliches... and they all echo loudly in my head. They eat at every inch of my being with the desire to say they told me so.
I spend too much time defending my honor, my reasoning, my path, my integrity. Defending my choices, my friendships, my place and my path.
Here is the thing... I suffer quietly. I am the anchor for so many, doing everything in my power to turn their lemons into lemonade.
When I need support. when I get low enough that I actually need to bare my soul, I hear 'don't say that'. My dark is too dark for them. When I need light the most, they cannot give me what I need.
My dark is really dark these days... but I am tired of baring my soul and pieces of myself to people that don't really want to hear how and why I am hurting, because it's hard to hear someone feel that low.
It's what happens when you own family turns their back on you, calls you a liar, a bad mother. It's what happens when you are in love with someone that doesn't love you back. The person that breaks you down everyday, because everyday is rejection.
It's all the assholes that think that because I am going through a divorce, or because I am single that I want to fuck anyone that walks, or show them my boobs, or give them a blow job, just because I should.
Attention is great. Don't get me wrong. I want someone to care for me for who I am, I don't need a fuck buddy or someone to make me feel like a whore. I don't care who you are, or what our history is. I am so tired of attached men thinking that because I have low self esteem that they can force me into some shameful sexual relationship.
I am tired of being hurt by friends and loved ones day in and day out. I am tired of being accused and called names and getting requests to see my boobs or to be just a little naughty. I deserve love and respect, and so do you spouses and partners and all other women that get to go through this shit.
Mostly, I am tired of waiting for something that will never happen. I am tired of blurred lines, feeling that I never do anything right and tired of feeling that I am not good enough to be anything but I secret. I am not ashamed of any of my true friends.
I am tired of making an effort for you, and it never being noticed or enough. I am tired of feeling like an embarrassment to you. I am tired of crying myself to sleep every night. I am exhausted of 'it is what it is'.
I am tired of defending my choices. being the odd family member out, being called a liar and a terrible mother. I am tired of the lies, tired of trying and I really just needed to say it all out loud for anyone that takes the time to read this to hear.
There are days that I go to bed and I don't want to wake up in the morning. There are days that I can't get out of bed without a lot of effort.
All of this is on top of having a child that requires a lot of time and patience and effort, and struggling to maintain a life for him between two houses while I finalize a divorce. So when I say that I am tired, this is why. When I am sad, this is why. And it's dark and painful, but it is my reality and I can't help that I feel this way.
I AM ENOUGH. I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.
I can say over and over that it's time for a change, and that I am going to do that right now, but that's not how it works. I can will a feeling away. I can't always just forgive and forget. It takes time. More time for me to suffer. More anger, more tears, more sadness. More hollow days and fake promises. But eventually, my resolve will kick in. And that will be all I need, so until then... this is my life. It's not sunshine and rainbows. It's lemons, and lemonade... and my special pouty mouthed resting bitch face.
