careful with your heart

what hurts is knowing that you care about someone more than they care about you.  in that is the realization that you go out of your way to keep in contact, because you miss them or are thinking of them, and it's met with ambivalence or a lack of response.  my instinct is to reach for anger, to be mean.  sometimes it wins.  really i just want to run away, hurt and sad and so many other things.

i just want to be significant like they are to me.  it doesn't mean that i need them to have the same sentiment that i do, but i do ask for them to respect how i feel and not take advantage or tread upon my heart.  right now i just want to remember to breathe, and that like everything else - this too shall pass.

check mate

i am having one of those days where i feel like no matter how hard i try, no matter what my intentions, and no matter where my heart is - i am just going to lose.  i am lost in my own head 90% of the time anymore.  i can't shake the insecurities... all of the sudden i am a green eyed monster of things of insignificance.  i am just never good enough just being who i am.  it stings a lot.


quote for strength:


“If she's amazing, she won't be easy. If she's easy, she won't be amazing. If she's worth it, you wont give up. If you give up, you're not worthy. ... Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.”  - Bob Marley ♥

Currently...

Watching: My inbox creeping to 1000, and my meetings creeping into my lunch lol

Thinking About: How to make my life less stressful, continuing to make changes that have needed made for a long time, and having the strength to just be who I am without feeling judged.  How much work I have.  Making good choices, sticking to what I think is right, picking my battles and piercings (inside joke).

Loving:  The changes that I am making in my life and watching the positive affect that it has on all aspects of my life.

Excited About:  Continuing to be healthy and happy for the first time in a long time.  And Christmas of course!

Reading: Just finished Bared to You and Reflected in You.  Need something new while I wait for the third one to come out!

Thankful for:  Good friends that come from out of no where and support you in ways that you didn't think they would or could.

it's all about control

vent post.

I am an adult - seriously.  You are not my daddy, and you are not my boss.  I have never, at any point made, put you in a position to control anything that I do.  So - get a grip.

I am going to do what I think is right, when I think it is right.  Unless I feel that you need to have an opinion - yours doesn't count.  Just sayin.

People trying to control things in my life that are not their business to control is a huge issue for me,  moreover - when you try to control something that doesn't require control,  it is not something that I am prepared to take lightly.

the upside of anger

Late on a Sunday night I am sitting wondering.. if there really is an upside to anger? I spend so much time trying to just count it out and breathe to avoid that emotion... Sometimes I wonder if it would be better to just get really pissed off and punch something or throw something, or call someone all of the things that I call them in the privacy of my own mind.  Then, I am not sure that the object being punched would deserve it, that my knuckles would appreciate it or that I'd want to deal with any of the aftermath of getting that angry... then I realize that I am that angry.

I get mean, moody, irrational,  and then I just resent the hell out of the person. Even if they are doing something that I would love normally, it because something negative. Sometimes I cannot get past something hurtful that they said, sometimes it is so many small shitty things that I have lost count.

At the end of it all it still leaves me putting up with more than I should to be happy.  When you are so entwined in life with some of these people, how do you unravel yourself?  How do you not be hurtful, but still be honest and get through the them?

I haven't found those answers.  I am not sure that I ever will.

Perfectly me...

thankfulness

Sometimes support comes from the most unexpected places and people... truly.  I am grateful for the sometimes random manner that I re-discover people from my past and their varying degrees of ornery and inappropriate in my life.  Sometimes humor can cure all ills.  Sometimes just being there to get my mascara streaked messages after midnight and just telling me that you are sorry that my day sucked, really means the world.  To D - thanks babe. ♥

updates and anger

We'll start with the updates... so today is day four of my twenty four day Advocare challenge. I am down four pounds.  My cravings have not been too bad, with the exception of a nice hot cup of coffee with creamer and sugar.  I informed a good friend today that I might actually claw someone's eyes out for a cup.  Alas, that's why this is a 'challenge', right?  I miss beer too, some days more than others. Six more days. :)

And onto the anger... I get tired of not being a priority.  It happens in more than one area of my life.  I like to think that I return the respect that I am given.  I am tired of being taken for granted, tired of being an afterthought, I am just tired.  I am also tired of being angry.

I made a commitment to myself that I was going to make it a point to change my life this year.  Personal growth comes at a cost; realizations that we are not going always like where we are and what we have done, some people that we have in our lives shouldn't really be there, and some people that we have left behind actually should have.  There is no simple answer and no simple solution.  The only thing that is certain is that time has a way of bringing us the answers we seek.  Sometimes later, sometimes sooner, ready or not.

Advocare and all that is cleansing in my world

So I am on day three and doing better than I thought after carving out 90% of all of the things that I love and reach for when I want to eat.  Some things are harder to give up than others, but mostly - it's just about convenience.  I am an instant gratification person - if I am hungry - I want it, like yesterday.

I tend to be a bit impatient in most aspects of my life.  I want resolution and answers and results NOW.  Something to work on, especially as I am going through this lifestyle change.  Weight loss and the change to my body will take time.  I need to remain steadfast in my efforts, and the change will come.

Let's be clear - I am not trying to be skeletor.  I like being curvy, but I'd rather be firm curvy with the shape that I want.  And that shape is NOT round and lumpy lol.

That being said - me and the Advocare cleanse fiber drink are absolutely not friends.  I cannot get that crap to stay down for any amount of time.  As soon as I swallow it, back up it comes.  It was worse than morning sickness.  So - fiber supplements and I will begin our journey for the rest of this cleanse phase (7 more days if you are counting along with me).

My poor husband is trying to do this too, though I think he is a little worse for the wear without his icees.  What we can have is limited, but not unreasonable if you are committed to it.  Pre-baby body is a good motivator for me - and I am just ready.  I started this on a Wednesday, the week before Thanksgiving because I am firm in my belief that if you are not ready to make a change - it doesn't matter when you start - you are not going to follow through.  I am going to be faced with all kinds of obstacles in my life.  How I deal with those obstacles determines what I will get in return.  It's all about choices.  Choices that are the best for you, even if they are not always what you want. :)

confession - i am a control freak

the last few weeks have been crazy - some things from my past have come back to haunt, opening old wounds and making me deal with things that I was not (and am not) really prepared to deal with.  in the end, i am better for it, and need to feel what i am experiencing instead of squashing it down and ignoring it.

i feel like i am in this horrible emotional hang over though - i am so good at masking and moving on for the greater good of all that are in my life, that this change is going to be a little painful for me for a while.  i have been a doormat for far too long, but there are also better ways that i can express how i feel.  and that includes letting someone else lead, letting myself feel hurt, and be disappointed.  this also means not pretending like everything is perfect when it is not.

so much raw emotion has kicked my ass over the last few weeks.  i have this constant need to be in control of all things - it's safe that way...  i have not let myself be in the driver seat a lot of the time over the past few weeks.  i let someone get the better of me, and it pissed me off, but i actually let myself be angry, and hurt and disappointed at that moment, someone that i thought was a great person, really seemed not to be.  and instead of not saying anything, i let them have it.  the whole truth from beginning to end, and i called them on their bullshit.  some of this has been good, other parts of it remind me why i must be in the driver seat in some parts of my life.  i can only risk so much of my sanity on this journey.

*and yes i wrote this in lowercase on purpose, just because i can*

word vomit

So I cried today, twice - and really hard too.  And you know I feel so much better.  That panicky anxious shakiness that I have dealt with for the last few weeks is gone for the moment. 

I also word vomited on a few people these last few weeks, fessed up to a lot of things that I didn't want to admit to myself, let alone anyone else... and most of all I remembered that even if I want to tuck certain feelings away, I am going to lose that fight eventually.  While I am sure that this is totally vague to all but two or three (love you ladies BTW), this is a public blog and not a diary :)

 I feel focused and clearer than I have in a while on the path that I want to be on to get back to where I want to be. I am who I am, and it is time that I accepted that for myself, not just have the expectation for everyone else to.  That is part of this 'turning 30' ride that I have been on this year.  Self acceptance and wherewithal to just do what needs to be done, say what needs to be said, regardless of the outcome and just being true to my heart are my new goals.... and going to the gym.  Having a nice ass does wonders for the soul.  Just sayin. 

thinking out loud

So lately I have been much more crafty than usual - my sewing machine and I are becoming quite chummy.  So far I have been sewing to calm down from panic attacks (awesome combo of stress and heredity here - woo).

I am finding that I am enjoying it a lot and have been thinking of opening up an Etsy shop for scarves and blankets, etc.  We will see how motivated I feel about being 'on demand' with my sewing.  I am worried that if I am doing it for orders, that it may lose some of it's calming quotient for me...

Growing too fast!

It seems like just yesterday that Kingston was still floating around in my belly, we were just bringing him home, watching all of his firsts...

For the first time this weekend - I bought him 'big boy' body wash. Weird I know, but the big bottles of Johnson's baby wash last an eternity.  So.. between that and the fact that I bought him a pair of jams in a size 6, and they fit him... having one of those OMG what happened mommy moments.

Even though he still changes everyday, he becomes more of the grubby little boy and less of mommy's little snuggle bug.  I love it, but it makes me cling to the last bit of free kisses and snuggles that I am going to get from him (willingly).

reflection

maybe reflection isn't always a great thing.  there is so much that we hold ourselves to changing or accomplishing, even if it is irrational.  i am going through what i refer to as an angry phase.  i am tired of conformity, tired of mediocrity, tired of complacency.  i am tired of putting up with bullshit that i shouldn't just because i don't want to be the bad guy, don't want to hurt feelings, don't want there to be discord or disharmony.  all that is really happening is that i am losing respect for myself in the process.  this is not who i am and it is not the example that i want to set for my son to be.

while it is great to see all of these things in myself, it is the changes that need to be made that will prove the biggest hurdle.  i must start expecting that not everyone in my life is there for good.  i need to come to terms with the fact that there are ties that need cut, relationships that i have held onto that i should let go of, that there is a reason that these people hurt me and make me miserable.  i can only accept responsibility and fault for letting it continue, not for them being assholes.  i always want to see the best in people and i make it a point not to judge.  all of that good intention has left me with a lot of crosses to bear.   i wear my heart on my sleeve and there isn't much that i would not do for those that i am close to, but i am tired of being used and taken advantage of, and i am tired of the games.

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

Sigh

Today was really disheartening. We had parent teacher conferences for the girls and while we knew that there had been some struggles with tests recently, we were not really prepared for what is not happening at home for them. Homework not being completed consistently, glasses not coming to school when they are supposed to be worn at all times, sheets not getting signed. The school has asked for a pair of glasses to be left there for her. How bad is that??

The effort that we put forth is undermined by the fact that no one else wants to continue with it. We only get so much time with the girls, and we want some of it to be family time too. Not just make up for study time and learning that they are missing the rest of the week. What are we to do? Below grade level reading, needing extra help in math and reading, are we to ignore that they really need the help?

I am a firm believer that education is so important. More important is actually being an informed and involved parent. I don't care that I didn't give birth to these girls. I will always hope and fight alongside Jerod to give them everything that they need. I just don't understand how this is an issue, and why it isn't being addressed by the school district honestly.

How many times do we have to call children's services and the principal to get someone to do something for these girls.

I pray to god that the court will do something this time.

the radio reads my mind :)

Why does it always seem that when I have something on my mind, or an issue that I am trying to work out, that every damn song the radio plays intensifies how I feel about it or brings my mind back to it when I am trying NOT to think about it!  At least I don't listen to country lol.  Focus needed, aggravation of my ADD is not! That is all.  

a little sense of humor

A sense of humor goes a long way to diffuse an uncomfortable situation and to help cope with stress.  I am finding that my ability to make light of what weighs heavy in my heart is helping my sanity.  It was an odd compliment from an unexpected source today.  That compliment reminded me that even when I get to the point of melt-down, that I possess the ability to change direction and lighten it a little.

I am still overwhelmed with all that we have going on right now, but knowing that I have support and a few mechanisms for coping helps.  So does shopping (of course).  So I am going to take advantage of the rare chance for a salaried employee such as myself to earn some extra cash.  That will buy my Sperry's with out guilt - which of course is a double bonus no guilt + shopping = less stress for this mama.  LOL :)

one sided

My fall resolution - stop having one sided relationships.  If it's always only me making the effort, why am I bothering with you?  Don't be an asshole... that pretty much sums it up.  Chances are you need me more than I need you anyway.  At least, that's what I am going to tell myself when I quit talking to you.

Hmm...

I have always been a believer in fate, and that people are put into our lives for a reason, be it good or bad.  It is the times when those people make you more confused about the path that you are on and if you should continue it or choose another that makes keeping that faith in fate a challenge.

I am an outspoken introvert of person... An oxymoron in and of itself... I tend follow my heart instead of listen to my head, but I dwell on the decision and over analyze it, sometimes after I have already made a choice. Twice. This is true in all areas of my life. I find it difficult to hurt people that I care about, I always want to see the good in everyone and most of all, I believe in fixing what can be fixed and moving on if it can't.

But lately... I feel that some of me gets a little more lost every time I make a decision that is better for most, and I am not in that majority.  I feel disconnected, and most of all I feel taken for granted and unappreciated.

I feel strongly that everything happens for a reason, but my impetuous side cannot bear the wait for the answer to that reason. It cannot let things come to rest if they are unsettled.

Perhaps my life is too complicated a string of mishaps with the best of intentions. Perhaps I have not completed everything that I should to get to the resolutions I seek. Or maybe I am on the wrong path altogether.

Assuredly, the only thing that is certain is that time will eventually hold my answers. Whether I want to know them or not.

choices for my child

If there is one constant in my life - it's my little man :).  I have never loved anything more than I love being a mommy.  He is seriously the most amazing thing that I have ever done.  Watching him grow and change is both amazing and saddening because with each milestone, I know that he is growing up little by little.

He is so funny, and he can be so sweet.  Every day he tells me that he loves me, and it always on his own, and it's so sincere.  It melts my heart every single time.  He also tells me that I am beautiful every day. And in those two things comes the security that I am doing something right.  While I know there are always things that I could do better, or differently... I think we are pretty good on this one.

There are so few things in life that are guaranteed, and this is just a win for me in my heart.  I cannot always be there with him to help him choose the right path, but to watch him grow with love for all people and without prejudice in his heart makes me so proud.  He has a special needs child in his class and he treats him no differently than anyone else in his class.  His favorite teacher is from Sri Lanka, and he has friends from several cultures in his class.

It's important to me that he is open minded, kind and honest... and I think that he has a pretty awesome start.  The world is so diverse in people and life choices, disabilities, and experiences... I love that at four, my son see the world with the same eyes that I see it with.  He just doesn't care about what people look like, he just cares if they are nice to him.  That is all I can hope for. <3 p="p">

self reflection

Too much going on in my world... I feel overwhelmed and consumed by things that are insignificant and things that actually matter.  I feel dwarfed by my life and overtaken by the stress of things that are to come, decisions that must be made and just figuring out what the future holds, and if that is really going to be what is best...

Vague, but honest.  Best policy at this point.  I worry too much. And I over think everything.  Tomorrow is always a new day.  Now if I could just make myself believe it...

just... devasted

Today I came home for lunch, like normal - planning to visit with the dogs and do a load of laundry.  Instead I walked into shit and blood everywhere, and our beloved Crickett hunched on Kingston's beanbag, covered in poop and just slumped there.  My heart broke then... There was blood in the stool and she just looked so tired, and so sad.  I started to clean it up, and started to cry at the same time, because I knew what the blood meant - and I knew that when we made the call to the vet, that it was over.

I called Jerod, and we went through the painful experience of having to choose to end her life, or choose to watch her continue to waste away, literally - and die on her own in pain.

Crickett had a bone tumor that was attached to her pelvis, and over the last two or three weeks, she had lost the ability to wag or raise her tail, all of her muscle mass from her back legs had gone and the last few days, she has struggled to go to the bathroom.  She had lost 8 pounds from her already small frame.

We didn't notice the mass until she started to lose the weight, and even if we could have found it - it was in her bones. Based on the blood in her stool, and the fluid in her leg - it was also in her lymph node, her intestines and her bladder.

We did what we thought was best for her, and it is the hardest decision I have ever been faced with.  I had to choose to take a life today - and in my house - my pets are my kids too.

Jerod has had Crickett since she was  6 weeks old and she was just about to be 12.  Jerod and I have been together for almost 7 years, so essentially - she was our first baby.

She was an amazing dog.  My heart is aching, my eyes are burning from crying and I miss her so much already.  It doesn't seem real.

Kingston told the vet that Weasel was sick, and that mommy was sad that she was sick.  Then he asked the vet to make us both better.  So sweet.  Explaining to a four year old that he is losing his first pet is so hard.  And harder when you are half way home and he asks where she is.

God grant me the strength to get through this.  :(

flattered... I think not - oh, and happy fall

I know that imitation is supposed to be the most sincere form of flattery.  And normally, I would be flattered, but when it's by a psychotic bitch - I am just creeped out.

Seriously - WTF creeper LOL!  Get your own style, look, hair color, hair cut... the list goes on.

All of that aside - fall is upon us, and that makes me a happy girl :)  So many things are happening.  -Kingston is officially in Pre-K (growing up too fast!) 

-Fall decorations are going up... 

-College football starts this week. Go Bucks!

Favorite time of year.  Hands down.  

So ready for hayrides, hoodies, fires in the fire pit, hot chocolate, leaves and snuggles with the windows open.

super grumpy

Super grumpy and I am having such a hard time shaking it.  I know that a lot of it is that I never get a break from stress and drama, but still.  I have an urge to punch random people in the face.  It's sooo not healthy - even though there are a few that probably really do deserve it.

There is not enough ice cream in the world right now, but my Berrytini after curriculum night might have made me feel just a smidge better... Could have been my steak too... or my pretzel bones.  Or the fact that I went on a half date with my spouse and didn't have to catch a cup from being elbowed off the table, cut anyone else's food for them, or eat at the speed of sound so that my child didn't have a public melt down.

The weekend is almost here, and I am going to try to relax, only make one trip to Target (maybe) and clean the carpets.  Lofty goals, I know.  Maybe I will launch into round three of Fifty Shades...  :)

curiosity

Sometimes it is better to squelch the urge to go on a fact finding mission about questions that we got over not having the answers to.  We bury stuff way down for a reason, and remembering them can be more painful than we bargained for.  Just saying.

serene weekend

So... I pulled Cinderella duty yesterday on my kitchen floors yesterday (and will be again today on the bathroom floor - thankfully it's about a quarter of the size of my kitchen). I am convinced that while they look awesome, my muscles definitely are mad at me for my 3 hour scrubbing and squatting rampage.  I am more sore than an awesome workout at the gym.  Surprisingly though - I feel pretty happy about it.  I think I worked out some pent up aggression in all that manual labor.  :)  Oh - and my floors are clean and shiny too!  Who puts ivory colored flooring in the kitchen, really??

frustrating!!!

I find it INCREDIBLY frustrating when there is a double standard.

Honestly - I know when I do something that is wrong, but don't you fucking dare tell me that I have to stand and listen to someone bad mouth me and call me names in front of my child and expect me not to say anything about it.  I am honest about my motives and actions.  There is nothing worse than a liar.  I have no reason to lie - for better or worse - I tell the truth.  My mama raised me that way.  Even growing up - I always just fessed up if I did something dumb and they found out.  Less trouble for me in the moment and later.  I never have to worry about what I said - I don't have to remember who I told what version of anything - there is only one version - THE TRUTH.  It's actually a pretty noble concept.


 And you know - It's not like this is the first time that I have been attacked verbally, and I have always kept my mouth shut with this person.  Am I sorry that I stooped to that level for once? Yes - but what I said was what I honestly feel.  It wasn't meant to be an insult - it was truth that spilled out in a heated moment.

I can't take it back - and honestly it is a little cathartic to tell someone what you really think.  Even though I barely scratched the surface on this one.  I am sure that it will get brought up when it counts.  It's rare that I let anyone get the best of me.  I have had enough though for real...

weeee.....

Fifty Shades Trilogy - I finally caved.

So I caved and ordered the books about a month ago, and have been too busy to even open them.  This weekend I actually (by the love of my hubs) got to spend the weekend in my sweats and dive in.  I finished all three in less than 48 hours.  I see what all of the fuss is about!  These are great books, and while the actually literary part of these works is not the greatest - I loved the story, and there are plenty of thigh clenching moments that are described in graphic detail too.

Who wouldn't want a man like Grey??

I am already re-reading them because I read them so quickly.  :)  I am not at all ashamed either.

Laters Baby.

BEST QUOTE - 

“Every time you move tomorrow, I want you to be reminded that I’ve been here. Only me. You are mine.”

Other favorite quotes...

"Laters, baby"

"We aim to please."

"You. Are. Mine."

and of course

"Stow your twitchy palm" 

Sometimes

Sometimes I think about how different things would be if Jerod's mom's side of his family was still a part of our lives. I wonder if Kingston will be sad when he is older that he has a grandmother, three uncles, and countless other relatives that he has never met, but that his sisters know and have a relationship with. I wonder if our lives would be worse than what we have now, because my husband is a different person now. I feel selfish sometimes because I am almost relieved that I don't have to worry about some of the negativity.  I know that the bridge has been burned, and not for Jerod's lack of trying to move past the stupid argument that started the whole thing.

What does make me sad is that sometimes I feel like my husband has had to grieve the loss of his mother because he chose to spend his life with me. Then I realize that no matter who Jerod had chosen to spend his life with, the issue would have been the same. His mother felt threatened and replaced by me, without my having to do anything to make her feel that way. It was her own insecurity.

His mom loved me until we moved in together and then found out that we were pregnant. I remember being heartbroken that his mom and brothers were upset that we were expecting. My parents and Jerods dad and his wife were so excited for us. She has never met Kingston, and from what the girls have said, their mom had pictures of him on her phone somehow and they talked about what an ugly baby he was.

Whether it was really said, or told to the girls as a way to try to hurt us, it proved for us that walking away was the right choice. How can you ever put trust in someone after that? She spends the night at his ex's house, they have each others names tattooed on their bodies, its just weird. And my good ole MIL has a daughter now, according to her. 

I am always his bitch wife, and you know - I will take it, because based on his mom and his ex, if I am a bitch, there is not a word on English to describe what they put him through. If being a supportive wife that helps you reach personal and professional goals without expecting anything in return is a bitch, well I guess that is what I am. They are right that he deserves me, because they didn't deserve him and he walked away. I can say that I have honestly given him my love, honesty  and confidence in himself to go after what he wants. It bothered me for a very short time that everything got blamed on me. It was always my fault that Jerod stood up to them, or that he called out a lie, it filed for custody of his kids.

His girls are my heart, our son is my world and they are all my soul. No matter what happens, I am in it for better or worse. My vows actually mean something to me. When I married Jerod, I knew that our life would never be cookie cutter, that there would be tough roads and battles and drama. All that matters is that we have weathered the storm together and it has not broken us.

my little pig

Obviously I love my bully madly... but today when I went home at lunch, my husband said that he thinks that I am just her whole world and that she is more excited to see me than anything else.  It pretty much made my day.  I love my Pig and she loves her mama. :)  There is nothing like the happy snort and butt wiggle that greets me every morning, every day that I go home for lunch and each night when I get home!

time for (another) change!

I guess I have hair ADD - I cut off 15 inches in May and went from chocolate to a heavy blondish weave.  Now it's time to freshen the color and I am torn between going more blonde or going to a warm red.  I am leaning toward the latter.  I love my hair light, but I have grown so accustomed to dark hair that I prefer it.  I think red will be a nice happy medium for me!

I am still drawn to blonde and pink... maybe next summer! ;)

ah weekend!

Sometimes I really think that 'weekend' is a misnomer... I think I have more work to do at home sometimes than I do at work.  Or maybe it's that at work I don't have children, pets, and a spouse hindering my ability to complete a task LOL.

So while Kingston is watching Rio, all three of the dogs are napping and my husband is occupied with work of his own... maybe I can get the house clean, so that it can be a mess again by dinner...

Ah the life of a mommy and wife...

whirlwind...

Stuff is happening fast in our house lately.  The summer is flying by, the puppy is growing and Kingston is ever changing.

It's crazy at work, lots to do and thank God we are prepared for it.  Jerod and I are enjoying all of the good things that are coming our way right now, but we are keeping in mind that the storm is coming.  Sooner than later, because all of the ducks are in a row for us... In a few short weeks, the paperwork will be piling up and things will be set in motion.

While there has been drama lately, I find that I am not even surprised anymore... while I don't appreciate being called the 'C' word in front of my child and my neighbors - the classless mouth that it came out of will need to try a little harder to get under my skin.  I am not a doormat, I am not afraid to tell her to shut her mouth, and most of all, I am just tired of the piece of shit that she is.  I am not afraid to tell her that either.

Mother is a term that should be held in the highest regard.  Her lack of care for the girls kills me.  I take better care of the fish at our house than she does of her own children.  To be a real mom - you have to put the work in.  Buy them clothes, spend time with them, take them for medical care when they need it, have a moral compass... I could go on forever.  Most of all - LOVE THEM. She doesn't deserve them, and hopefully the judge and GAL will agree.

I have taken on so many roles in life and I take each one with a grain.  I love ALL THREE of my children, whether I gave birth to them or not.  I will support my husband forever in his mission to give the girls a better life.  They are part of my heart too.

Here is to the future and all that it holds.  May our stressful road ahead be a short one, with a little rainbow at the end.

productivity...

It's Tuesday - my coupons are clipped, sorted and put away... my laundry is done, folded and put away too... what the hell is wrong with me!

Tomorrow I can probably sew, or start 50 shades!  A little motivation can go a long way!

e-files... finally

I decided that even though I stayed home from work today, because I am STILL sick - that the day would be productive... so I set out to scan all of the court docs and every shred of evidence we have from previous filings, current goodies, etc and make copies for all of the parties that need it... attorney, ad-litem, us, computer copy and a back up... I figured it would take me a few hours and then I could dig into some reading, and maybe do a sewing project or two if I felt up to it. HA!!

Not only did I not get it all done, but it took me literally all day just to get all of the filings scanned!  At least we are making progress... right LOL.

At least I made a make shift office in my corner of the couch with the scanner and my laptop while I coughed and sniffled my way through a good portion of the mess...

That is to say - until my OCD kicked in and I realized that I needed to update the physical file for the attorney too.  And that it all needs re-organized. Guess I will have plenty to do... in the afternoons and evenings!

being mommy...

There are few things in life that I think are more important than the example that we set for our children, and the paths that we follow to mold them into healthy, well adjusted, functioning adults.

So what are you to do when no matter what effort you put forth, the other parent will not do what they should. And your children suffer because of their bad choices.  For us, it's another day in the life, but there is always that fear, that worry that no matter how we try to intervene, no matter how pure our intentions, things will never be as they should.

The truth in each of us comes out when we are pressured.  How the other parent will respond to the pressure is always a guessing game, and to us - it's also a risk.  Is the imbalance too great?  Will it push them over the edge?  What is our back up plan?  What is our safety?

Another weekend full of unsolicited information that tells the story that we always assume to be true.

ugh

I hate it when I have one of those bummer days when I feel disconnected from everyone and everything, and there is nothing that I can do to shake that funk.  Sometimes it's a weird dream or just boredom... It just makes me grumpy.  :(

a little inspiration and a few projects...

I am certain that my husband cringes at the very mention of a project that I have seen on Pinterest... though I am also sure that he has benefited from the recipes that I have found.  So I have a few projects that I want to complete soon.




This is a last name project that was featured on Michael's website

I love this and think that it will looks awesome in my living room :)  I have a long narrow empty space that is dying for some decoration.

I am undecided on what paper I will use for the letter backgrounds :)

This is just the easiest tank-to-bag with tutorial :)  found via pinterest on  http://www.salttree.net/2011/08/diy-tank-top-tote-in-5-minutes.html

It's cute and I love it, end of story!

Oh - and I have about... hmmm... 50 or so tanks...

I think that I can part with a few!

I think this is a cute look with simple steps to complete.  The pin is from http://sweet-verbena.blogspot.com/2011/07/simple-bow-tie-top-tutorial.html

As mentioned above - I have an obsession with tank tops. And pink.

And this awesome looking DIY dress was also a pintrest gem that I found.  Also, I have already purchased the tank and fabric to make this and it is still sitting in the project pile...

This pin is from http://moderndaymoms.com/diy-crafts-diy-dress/

I need to get on it, because this is so cute and I want it to be waiting faithfully on a hanger in my closet.

And another project that I already have the fabric cut for and is sitting in my project pile lol.  small ones for the girls and a large one for me.  So there are three projects in one here!

This is a pattern that I found on pinterest and purchased from i think sew.  I purchased the pattern that had both this smaller version and the larger version that I wanted for myself for $5.50.

busy busy busy!

Happy July - so much going on this month!  So many appointments, ramp up is in full swing on a project at work, and it's summer time, so the kids are out of school.

Honestly, I am ready for cooler weather, hoodies, and football.  It's my favorite time of year, I am not a summer person!

July is going to fly by and soon it will be time to get school stuff for the girls and Kingston will be back in preschool for year two!

It's hard to believe that at this time next year, I will be getting Kingston ready for Kindergarten! It all goes so fast.

interesting week...

It's Sunday - the last day of my stay-cation with the hubs.  We had an eventful week of new things,   quiet time, drama and just hanging out.  We managed to have to get up to an alarm every day but one on this vacation lol.  However, we brought home our bulldog pup Ripley - who is definitely keeping on our toes, we bought a new van, had a birthday party and a cousin sleep over, a zoo trip and paddle boats.

The van purchase resulted in reporting a dealership to the BBB after they tried to rip us off and resulted in the manager calling to kiss our asses the following day (after we purchased from a different dealership).  Byers Kia is awesome by the way...

Even though there was drama from the girls mom, it's not something that brought us down.  It is, as it always is.  We are resourceful, and we are prepared... it's nothing out of the ordinary. Games are best played with opponents who DON'T play the game better. Just sayin' ;)

vacation fever

Well... staycation fever...  One more work day (after today).  So excited.  Jerod and I are taking time off together for once, and we are still taking Kingston to school and are not asking for the girls for a week of our extended parenting time.  It will be just us, and the pets.  We hope to accomplish getting Ripley acclimated to life at our house, and then just get out and do things together.  Lunch, movies, and going to the gym everyday.

I am really looking forward to it.  I also hope to get all of my sewing projects done.  They are building up!  I have three purses to sew (already cut and ready for stitching), a dress, a make up bag, a dog bed and now a Hulk blanket for Kingston, who patiently accompanied me to the fabric store after being at Children's after his 'boo-boo' yesterday.

Kingston was very excited to tell the guy cutting the fabric that mommy was making a bed for Ripley.  I am not sure that the 17 year old employee really appreciated how excited a four year old can be about a new puppy coming home. Though, I am pretty sure that my four year old had more self-awareness than this kid.

Let the two days go quickly, so that we can pick up Ripley, and then the following week needs to creep by :)

I just want sleep

So Kingston just turned four... this marks about 2 years since I have really gotten any good sleep at night (other than Mawmaw nights)!

Jerod and I did not opt to co-sleep... somehow Kingston just prefers to snuggle with us anyway.  He didn't sleep through the night literally until the day before he turned one. Then we went through a blissful phase from 12 months to about two and a half.  And then... the 'scared phase' began after a nasty hail/thunderstorm that brought HUGE branches down on the roof of our house (right over his room).  He is now terrified of thunderstorms, and fights with all his might to stay up as late as possible.

He always starts out in his own bed, after the wrestling match to get him there... then he comes into our room around 2AM and kicks the crap out of us until the alarm goes off at 5. He literally sleeps like a starfish...

I have been in the new mom phase again for a four year old.  I just want to sleep, so I can function like a normal person! LOL

He's lucky he's so damn cute. It's impossible to be upset with him that way. ♥

our story

Our story is pretty simple, but it's also quite complicated.  Jerod and I have known each other for more than half of our lives, we grew up less than a block away from each other.  Better to say that we knew of each other, had a 'high school moment' (that's what we will call it) and then ran into each other again in October of 2005 at Lucky's.  We have been together ever since.  While the road was not always pretty - we have overcome so much in our nearly seven years together.

On January 14, 2007 - Jerod asked me to marry him after the AFC Championship game, yes - he got down on his knees and yes - I cried. 

On October 03, 2008 - we found out that we were having a little Lambert (not planned, but not completely unplanned either - just the will of a higher power I think).  This obviously changed our wedding planning.

We were married at a little chapel in downtown Columbus on May 19, 2008, three weeks before Kingston came to join us.  We wanted to officially be 'The Lamberts' before he arrived ♥.

Kingston's arrival made us begin to look at where we were and where we wanted to be, and the change in direction began by December 2007.  We worked really hard, and have accomplished all of what we have set out to do so far. There is much more on the horizon.

When Jerod and I started dating, I knew that our lives would always be a little bit different.  Jerod had two kids from a previous relationship.  This meant that I was taking on a ready made family - and all of the drama that came with it.  

There are days that it is hard to be the wife of someone who has constant stress with not being able to do everything that he wants to do for his daughters - and not being able to make it better.  And it took a lot of time and support to undo all of the negativity and doubt caused by both his ex and his own mother.  

Jerod loves with his whole heart.  I am lucky to say that I am the one who has that love - and his daughters are worth all that we have been through to get where we are.

While I remain the person that gets 'blamed' because my husband stands up for himself and is not afraid to voice his opinion - I am so proud that he has the confidence in himself to do this.  All I have ever done is help my husband remember that he is worth it, they are worth it - and most of all - if he wants it, go after it.  He is a great dad to all three of his kids!

We are still reaching and exceeding our goals together as time goes on, which means that we are doing something right, and the sacrifices that we have made are worth it. :)