lemons...

So many cliches... and they all echo loudly in my head.  They eat at every inch of my being with the desire to say they told me so.

I spend too much time defending my honor, my reasoning, my path, my integrity.  Defending my choices, my friendships, my place and my path.

Here is the thing... I suffer quietly.  I am the anchor for so many, doing everything in my power to turn their lemons into lemonade.

When I need support. when I get low enough that I actually need to bare my soul, I hear 'don't say that'.  My dark is too dark for them.  When I need light the most, they cannot give me what I need.

My dark is really dark these days... but I am tired of baring my soul and pieces of myself to people that don't really want to hear how and why I am hurting, because it's hard to hear someone feel that low.

It's what happens when you own family turns their back on you, calls you a liar, a bad mother.  It's what happens when you are in love with someone that doesn't love you back.  The person that breaks you down everyday, because everyday is rejection.

It's all the assholes that think that because I am going through a divorce, or because I am single that I want to fuck anyone that walks, or show them my boobs, or give them a blow job, just because I should.

Attention is great.  Don't get me wrong.  I want someone to care for me for who I am, I don't need a fuck buddy or someone to make me feel like a whore.  I don't care who you are, or what our history is.  I am so tired of attached men thinking that because I have low self esteem that they can force me into some shameful sexual relationship.

I am tired of being hurt by friends and loved ones day in and day out.  I am tired of being accused and called names and getting requests to see my boobs or to be just a little naughty.  I deserve love and respect, and so do you spouses and partners and all other women that get to go through this shit.

Mostly, I am tired of waiting for something that will never happen.  I am tired of blurred lines, feeling that I never do anything right and tired of feeling that I am not good enough to be anything but I secret.  I am not ashamed of any of my true friends.

I am tired of making an effort for you, and it never being noticed or enough.  I am tired of feeling like an embarrassment to you.  I am tired of crying myself to sleep every night.  I am exhausted of 'it is what it is'.

I am tired of defending my choices. being the odd family member out, being called a liar and a terrible mother.  I am tired of the lies, tired of trying and I really just needed to say it all out loud for anyone that takes the time to read this to hear.

There are days that I go to bed and I don't want to wake up in the morning.  There are days that I can't get out of bed without a lot of effort.

All of this is on top of having a child that requires a lot of time and patience and effort, and struggling to maintain a life for him between two houses while I finalize a divorce.  So when I say that I am tired, this is why.  When I am sad, this is why.  And it's dark and painful, but it is my reality and I can't help that I feel this way.

I AM ENOUGH.  I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

I can say over and over that it's time for a change, and that I am going to do that right now, but that's not how it works.  I can will a feeling away.  I can't always just forgive and forget.  It takes time.  More time for me to suffer.  More anger, more tears, more sadness.  More hollow days and fake promises.  But eventually, my resolve will kick in.  And that will be all I need, so until then... this is my life. It's not sunshine and rainbows.  It's lemons, and lemonade... and my special pouty mouthed resting bitch face.

someday

I feel like my life is filled with a bunch of  'someday'.  

SOMEDAY:

I will stop caring what other think
I will be 'thin enough'
I will 'look pretty enough'
I will be enough
I will be respected
I will be what he wants
I will matter
I will be good enough for them 
They will see I am doing my best, and that will be enough

The list goes on.  

All incredibly personal.  All hurtful.  All things that break my heart and keep me awake at night.  All things and feelings that make me second guess walking out of the house each day, or getting out of bed.  And I allow it, because I don't know how to break the cycle.  Each day I rise, some days stronger than others, and I float through my day avoiding as much face to face contact as possible.  Avoiding eye contact, avoiding physical contact, avoiding you.

It's fear of rejection, fear of that look that people get when you are unwanted, fear of losing them just by being who you are.  Fear of knowing where I stand in the eyes of those that matter to me and that I care about.  I just wish I handled it better.  Getting sad or being afraid all of the time gets old, just like knowing that you'll never be 'good enough' for someone.  I am hoping that 32 brings me some peace and relief from insecurity, and the strength to walk away from all of the hurtful people in my life. I have so many good people in my life.  I want to flood my being with them instead.  The less room I make for hurt, the more room I have for happy. <3 font="">