Catching up...

A year and a half since my last post... and you know... so much and nothing at all has changed.

I am still foolishly a caretaker for so many, too many. An enabler.  Nothing is more frustrating than being aware that you are making the same mistakes, and are seemingly unable to break the cycle for yourself.

I get tired, tired in a way that sleep doesn't fix, talking doesn't cure, and action causes me guilt.  I think it's also called being a fucking doormat, but... I guess that is who I am.

My son comes first, then my stepkids... and then it seems that everyone else that I know comes before me, because me coming before them seems selfish.  I realize how irrational it is, but still feel guilty when I buy expensive make up and watch one of my friends struggle.  I don't understand why it is so hard for me to say no. To celebrate my own successes with something that I want, because someone else is in need.

This translates into my emotional life as well.  I feel trapped in the same life that I have been living for years, but left a long time ago.  Some of it is guilty.  Some of it is that I care. The rest is it being  routine.

I find myself at crossroads.  I have left a lot of negative and toxic friendships and people behind, but I am almost the most toxic because I cannot seem to make an effort for just me, ever.

I am torn between the life I feel obligated to live, and the life that I want for myself. I don't know how to disengage. I don't know how to unravel all of the hands and arms and expectations and demands.  I don't know how to stand up for myself without hurting those that rely on me and cannot see that they are breaking me down in the process.  

I feel guilty for finding happiness and fearing expressing it or actually closing the gap to make it real because I will be judged for moving on.

I am constantly feeling suffocated and swallowed. I can't get the small space that I have to myself clean enough and I can't get away enough to decompress.  I feel constantly on edge.  I know what I need to do and feel wrong for needing it.

So I am just floating. Taking my wins where I can get them. Praying that my karma is clean and that eventually, it will pay off.

lemons...

So many cliches... and they all echo loudly in my head.  They eat at every inch of my being with the desire to say they told me so.

I spend too much time defending my honor, my reasoning, my path, my integrity.  Defending my choices, my friendships, my place and my path.

Here is the thing... I suffer quietly.  I am the anchor for so many, doing everything in my power to turn their lemons into lemonade.

When I need support. when I get low enough that I actually need to bare my soul, I hear 'don't say that'.  My dark is too dark for them.  When I need light the most, they cannot give me what I need.

My dark is really dark these days... but I am tired of baring my soul and pieces of myself to people that don't really want to hear how and why I am hurting, because it's hard to hear someone feel that low.

It's what happens when you own family turns their back on you, calls you a liar, a bad mother.  It's what happens when you are in love with someone that doesn't love you back.  The person that breaks you down everyday, because everyday is rejection.

It's all the assholes that think that because I am going through a divorce, or because I am single that I want to fuck anyone that walks, or show them my boobs, or give them a blow job, just because I should.

Attention is great.  Don't get me wrong.  I want someone to care for me for who I am, I don't need a fuck buddy or someone to make me feel like a whore.  I don't care who you are, or what our history is.  I am so tired of attached men thinking that because I have low self esteem that they can force me into some shameful sexual relationship.

I am tired of being hurt by friends and loved ones day in and day out.  I am tired of being accused and called names and getting requests to see my boobs or to be just a little naughty.  I deserve love and respect, and so do you spouses and partners and all other women that get to go through this shit.

Mostly, I am tired of waiting for something that will never happen.  I am tired of blurred lines, feeling that I never do anything right and tired of feeling that I am not good enough to be anything but I secret.  I am not ashamed of any of my true friends.

I am tired of making an effort for you, and it never being noticed or enough.  I am tired of feeling like an embarrassment to you.  I am tired of crying myself to sleep every night.  I am exhausted of 'it is what it is'.

I am tired of defending my choices. being the odd family member out, being called a liar and a terrible mother.  I am tired of the lies, tired of trying and I really just needed to say it all out loud for anyone that takes the time to read this to hear.

There are days that I go to bed and I don't want to wake up in the morning.  There are days that I can't get out of bed without a lot of effort.

All of this is on top of having a child that requires a lot of time and patience and effort, and struggling to maintain a life for him between two houses while I finalize a divorce.  So when I say that I am tired, this is why.  When I am sad, this is why.  And it's dark and painful, but it is my reality and I can't help that I feel this way.

I AM ENOUGH.  I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

I can say over and over that it's time for a change, and that I am going to do that right now, but that's not how it works.  I can will a feeling away.  I can't always just forgive and forget.  It takes time.  More time for me to suffer.  More anger, more tears, more sadness.  More hollow days and fake promises.  But eventually, my resolve will kick in.  And that will be all I need, so until then... this is my life. It's not sunshine and rainbows.  It's lemons, and lemonade... and my special pouty mouthed resting bitch face.

someday

I feel like my life is filled with a bunch of  'someday'.  

SOMEDAY:

I will stop caring what other think
I will be 'thin enough'
I will 'look pretty enough'
I will be enough
I will be respected
I will be what he wants
I will matter
I will be good enough for them 
They will see I am doing my best, and that will be enough

The list goes on.  

All incredibly personal.  All hurtful.  All things that break my heart and keep me awake at night.  All things and feelings that make me second guess walking out of the house each day, or getting out of bed.  And I allow it, because I don't know how to break the cycle.  Each day I rise, some days stronger than others, and I float through my day avoiding as much face to face contact as possible.  Avoiding eye contact, avoiding physical contact, avoiding you.

It's fear of rejection, fear of that look that people get when you are unwanted, fear of losing them just by being who you are.  Fear of knowing where I stand in the eyes of those that matter to me and that I care about.  I just wish I handled it better.  Getting sad or being afraid all of the time gets old, just like knowing that you'll never be 'good enough' for someone.  I am hoping that 32 brings me some peace and relief from insecurity, and the strength to walk away from all of the hurtful people in my life. I have so many good people in my life.  I want to flood my being with them instead.  The less room I make for hurt, the more room I have for happy. <3 font="">

Sad or angry... maybe both

I am getting too good at being sad.  That just empty sad that makes you feel cold and hopeless.  I shut down, I don't want to talk about it.  I just want to be alone with the very thoughts that trap me into that sadness.  

So many reasons for that too.  I don't want to be a burden.  I need to find my own voice and my own strength and my own reasons to be happy.

But I am not happy.  I am relieved, and I am at peace with my choices, but I am not happy.  I still seek and effectively participate in friendships and relationships where I go out of my way to be of support and be kind.  And even though I do not do things with the expectation of anything in return, I find that I miss the relationships that I FELT like I was as important to that person as they are/were to me.  

I feel like what is missing is knowing that when the immediate need for someone to lean on is over, that there will be a lasting relationship there for BOTH of us.  I feel taken advantage of, led on, taken for granted and finally - just sad.

Here's the thing... I am not looking to be some one's mom.  I have a kid.  I am not looking to be a temporary support so that when whatever feud you are having is over, you can cast me aside.  I don't want to be your drunk Friday night phone call, looking for someone to hook up with and I don't want to be your secret.  

And that's where the sadness stops and the anger comes in.  Just because I am vulnerable doesn't mean that I deserve your games and bullshit.  Just because I am not gorgeous and thin doesn't mean that I need you to make me feel that I should be ashamed of how I look, and that I should be thankful that you paid me a compliment because not many would.  I love being told how much you appreciate thick women before you ask me if I want to hook up.  I am fine being alone.  That's the beauty of choosing divorce.  So if you are reading this and thinking it's about you, it probably fucking is.  

You want to give me a compliment, then fucking mean it.  Don't sucker sandwich it or better yet, just keep it to yourself.  I want people in my life that are proud to call me their friend above all else.  I am so tired of being taken advantage of.  I am tired of being asked if I want to fuck now that I am single or if I want to send you dirty pics or messages or whatever else.  

How about you ask me if I want to get a cup of coffee or have lunch.  Maybe talk to me and look me in the eye instead of staring at my rack.  The only person that I owe anything is myself and that is taking back the respect and self worth that I have let others take from me.  I am my own and I intend to stay that way because I am not ready to be anything other than that.  

And for those of you that read this, that are truly meaningful in our friendships and relationships, simply - Thank you.  I appreciate you for all that you are in my life and for all of the support and kind words and late night chats that we have shared.  

All journeys have their ups and downs.  While this post isn't the most pleasant and nothing really happened to trigger me posting it... it's just been there for a while, eating away at whatever I work to build and I needed to get it all out. 

All my love,

A

stations in life...

Making the decision to follow my heart isn't always an easy one.  I care deeply for others, and try to have faith in their positions in my life... I am also finding that just because someone tells you that they aren't going anywhere and that they care, doesn't mean that they do or that they will be there for you when you need them.

I don't know if letting others make me feel unworthy of their friendship and time makes me feel worse than pretending that I don't feel it at all.  Giving someone the ability to hurt you, and then having it happen is painful.  Especially when it's slow and obvious.

I have always felt that if someone wants you in their life, they will put you there.  And that being in your life will not be conditional.  That how you look won't matter, what size you wear isn't important and that most of all, you are worth making time to spend with, no matter how busy either of you are.

I find it amazing how quickly your heart can change as well, how fast you can grow close to someone and make a true friend when you take the time to see a person for who they really are.

I have made such a friend in the last month and I am grateful for that person in my life.  Sitting around in sweats, watching tv, and eating pizza - stupid chats, and laughing about our own shortcomings instantly bonds you to a person that is going through the same or similar life changes as you.

I am happy that I took a risk, and gave myself the chance to have such a great support and friend in my life. ♥

mixed signals, confused hearts and moving on

So I did it.  I am out on my own. Other than the commute, I am happy with my choice.  Still a lot of struggle.  Still a lot of confusion over some of my friendships and relationships.  Some of which feel like they are going in the opposite direction of how I wanted them to go.  Others, well I am glad to be moving away from them, because I don't need to be held hostage in my own life and I don't want that happening to others that are my friends.

I can't decide if I think that I am changing and growing, or if things are changing around me and I remain the same.

I know that I feel that I am losing someone I care so much about, and watching it fall apart is killing me.  I know that I have a lot of people to rely on, and people that care.  And that's been such a relief and blessing.  But my heart still hurts.  I miss my friend, and they know.  I don't know whether to try harder or give up.  Either way - I doubt that I will win.  It's not my place to try to control the hearts and will of others.  I can only be who I am and hope they want to be in my life.

We constantly have people that touch our lives, for the better and some for the worst.  Always a lesson, always a reason, and always causing change. 

So even though I am still unsure with signals that are mixed from the world and from a friend, I move forward, because there are much better things ahead for me. ♥

cloudy... with a chance of disaster

A weekend full of panic, frustration and tears is exhausting.  Chaos, and uncertainty amplify my already worn thin sense of self.

This week should end on a positive note, though a busy and completely life changing one.  

Everyday, I find a little more relief, but also - I grow impatient.  I trust too easily, forgive too often things that I should not, and most of all, I am afraid of the very thing that make me so happy.  

I am afraid to fail, afraid to trust in my heart, and afraid to believe that anything is really real.  I am afraid that I will always fall back into not being good enough, always needing to apologize.  I don't know how to not feel like I am bothering someone with my presence.  I don't know how not to feel like a burden or annoyance.

More importantly, I am afraid of losing all of the strength that I have worked so hard for, because I cannot see in myself, all the things that I need to see and focus on.