a little sense of humor

A sense of humor goes a long way to diffuse an uncomfortable situation and to help cope with stress.  I am finding that my ability to make light of what weighs heavy in my heart is helping my sanity.  It was an odd compliment from an unexpected source today.  That compliment reminded me that even when I get to the point of melt-down, that I possess the ability to change direction and lighten it a little.

I am still overwhelmed with all that we have going on right now, but knowing that I have support and a few mechanisms for coping helps.  So does shopping (of course).  So I am going to take advantage of the rare chance for a salaried employee such as myself to earn some extra cash.  That will buy my Sperry's with out guilt - which of course is a double bonus no guilt + shopping = less stress for this mama.  LOL :)

one sided

My fall resolution - stop having one sided relationships.  If it's always only me making the effort, why am I bothering with you?  Don't be an asshole... that pretty much sums it up.  Chances are you need me more than I need you anyway.  At least, that's what I am going to tell myself when I quit talking to you.

Hmm...

I have always been a believer in fate, and that people are put into our lives for a reason, be it good or bad.  It is the times when those people make you more confused about the path that you are on and if you should continue it or choose another that makes keeping that faith in fate a challenge.

I am an outspoken introvert of person... An oxymoron in and of itself... I tend follow my heart instead of listen to my head, but I dwell on the decision and over analyze it, sometimes after I have already made a choice. Twice. This is true in all areas of my life. I find it difficult to hurt people that I care about, I always want to see the good in everyone and most of all, I believe in fixing what can be fixed and moving on if it can't.

But lately... I feel that some of me gets a little more lost every time I make a decision that is better for most, and I am not in that majority.  I feel disconnected, and most of all I feel taken for granted and unappreciated.

I feel strongly that everything happens for a reason, but my impetuous side cannot bear the wait for the answer to that reason. It cannot let things come to rest if they are unsettled.

Perhaps my life is too complicated a string of mishaps with the best of intentions. Perhaps I have not completed everything that I should to get to the resolutions I seek. Or maybe I am on the wrong path altogether.

Assuredly, the only thing that is certain is that time will eventually hold my answers. Whether I want to know them or not.

choices for my child

If there is one constant in my life - it's my little man :).  I have never loved anything more than I love being a mommy.  He is seriously the most amazing thing that I have ever done.  Watching him grow and change is both amazing and saddening because with each milestone, I know that he is growing up little by little.

He is so funny, and he can be so sweet.  Every day he tells me that he loves me, and it always on his own, and it's so sincere.  It melts my heart every single time.  He also tells me that I am beautiful every day. And in those two things comes the security that I am doing something right.  While I know there are always things that I could do better, or differently... I think we are pretty good on this one.

There are so few things in life that are guaranteed, and this is just a win for me in my heart.  I cannot always be there with him to help him choose the right path, but to watch him grow with love for all people and without prejudice in his heart makes me so proud.  He has a special needs child in his class and he treats him no differently than anyone else in his class.  His favorite teacher is from Sri Lanka, and he has friends from several cultures in his class.

It's important to me that he is open minded, kind and honest... and I think that he has a pretty awesome start.  The world is so diverse in people and life choices, disabilities, and experiences... I love that at four, my son see the world with the same eyes that I see it with.  He just doesn't care about what people look like, he just cares if they are nice to him.  That is all I can hope for. <3 p="p">

self reflection

Too much going on in my world... I feel overwhelmed and consumed by things that are insignificant and things that actually matter.  I feel dwarfed by my life and overtaken by the stress of things that are to come, decisions that must be made and just figuring out what the future holds, and if that is really going to be what is best...

Vague, but honest.  Best policy at this point.  I worry too much. And I over think everything.  Tomorrow is always a new day.  Now if I could just make myself believe it...