the last few weeks have been crazy - some things from my past have come back to haunt, opening old wounds and making me deal with things that I was not (and am not) really prepared to deal with. in the end, i am better for it, and need to feel what i am experiencing instead of squashing it down and ignoring it.
i feel like i am in this horrible emotional hang over though - i am so good at masking and moving on for the greater good of all that are in my life, that this change is going to be a little painful for me for a while. i have been a doormat for far too long, but there are also better ways that i can express how i feel. and that includes letting someone else lead, letting myself feel hurt, and be disappointed. this also means not pretending like everything is perfect when it is not.
so much raw emotion has kicked my ass over the last few weeks. i have this constant need to be in control of all things - it's safe that way... i have not let myself be in the driver seat a lot of the time over the past few weeks. i let someone get the better of me, and it pissed me off, but i actually let myself be angry, and hurt and disappointed at that moment, someone that i thought was a great person, really seemed not to be. and instead of not saying anything, i let them have it. the whole truth from beginning to end, and i called them on their bullshit. some of this has been good, other parts of it remind me why i must be in the driver seat in some parts of my life. i can only risk so much of my sanity on this journey.
*and yes i wrote this in lowercase on purpose, just because i can*
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