Catching up...

A year and a half since my last post... and you know... so much and nothing at all has changed.

I am still foolishly a caretaker for so many, too many. An enabler.  Nothing is more frustrating than being aware that you are making the same mistakes, and are seemingly unable to break the cycle for yourself.

I get tired, tired in a way that sleep doesn't fix, talking doesn't cure, and action causes me guilt.  I think it's also called being a fucking doormat, but... I guess that is who I am.

My son comes first, then my stepkids... and then it seems that everyone else that I know comes before me, because me coming before them seems selfish.  I realize how irrational it is, but still feel guilty when I buy expensive make up and watch one of my friends struggle.  I don't understand why it is so hard for me to say no. To celebrate my own successes with something that I want, because someone else is in need.

This translates into my emotional life as well.  I feel trapped in the same life that I have been living for years, but left a long time ago.  Some of it is guilty.  Some of it is that I care. The rest is it being  routine.

I find myself at crossroads.  I have left a lot of negative and toxic friendships and people behind, but I am almost the most toxic because I cannot seem to make an effort for just me, ever.

I am torn between the life I feel obligated to live, and the life that I want for myself. I don't know how to disengage. I don't know how to unravel all of the hands and arms and expectations and demands.  I don't know how to stand up for myself without hurting those that rely on me and cannot see that they are breaking me down in the process.  

I feel guilty for finding happiness and fearing expressing it or actually closing the gap to make it real because I will be judged for moving on.

I am constantly feeling suffocated and swallowed. I can't get the small space that I have to myself clean enough and I can't get away enough to decompress.  I feel constantly on edge.  I know what I need to do and feel wrong for needing it.

So I am just floating. Taking my wins where I can get them. Praying that my karma is clean and that eventually, it will pay off.

lemons...

So many cliches... and they all echo loudly in my head.  They eat at every inch of my being with the desire to say they told me so.

I spend too much time defending my honor, my reasoning, my path, my integrity.  Defending my choices, my friendships, my place and my path.

Here is the thing... I suffer quietly.  I am the anchor for so many, doing everything in my power to turn their lemons into lemonade.

When I need support. when I get low enough that I actually need to bare my soul, I hear 'don't say that'.  My dark is too dark for them.  When I need light the most, they cannot give me what I need.

My dark is really dark these days... but I am tired of baring my soul and pieces of myself to people that don't really want to hear how and why I am hurting, because it's hard to hear someone feel that low.

It's what happens when you own family turns their back on you, calls you a liar, a bad mother.  It's what happens when you are in love with someone that doesn't love you back.  The person that breaks you down everyday, because everyday is rejection.

It's all the assholes that think that because I am going through a divorce, or because I am single that I want to fuck anyone that walks, or show them my boobs, or give them a blow job, just because I should.

Attention is great.  Don't get me wrong.  I want someone to care for me for who I am, I don't need a fuck buddy or someone to make me feel like a whore.  I don't care who you are, or what our history is.  I am so tired of attached men thinking that because I have low self esteem that they can force me into some shameful sexual relationship.

I am tired of being hurt by friends and loved ones day in and day out.  I am tired of being accused and called names and getting requests to see my boobs or to be just a little naughty.  I deserve love and respect, and so do you spouses and partners and all other women that get to go through this shit.

Mostly, I am tired of waiting for something that will never happen.  I am tired of blurred lines, feeling that I never do anything right and tired of feeling that I am not good enough to be anything but I secret.  I am not ashamed of any of my true friends.

I am tired of making an effort for you, and it never being noticed or enough.  I am tired of feeling like an embarrassment to you.  I am tired of crying myself to sleep every night.  I am exhausted of 'it is what it is'.

I am tired of defending my choices. being the odd family member out, being called a liar and a terrible mother.  I am tired of the lies, tired of trying and I really just needed to say it all out loud for anyone that takes the time to read this to hear.

There are days that I go to bed and I don't want to wake up in the morning.  There are days that I can't get out of bed without a lot of effort.

All of this is on top of having a child that requires a lot of time and patience and effort, and struggling to maintain a life for him between two houses while I finalize a divorce.  So when I say that I am tired, this is why.  When I am sad, this is why.  And it's dark and painful, but it is my reality and I can't help that I feel this way.

I AM ENOUGH.  I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

I can say over and over that it's time for a change, and that I am going to do that right now, but that's not how it works.  I can will a feeling away.  I can't always just forgive and forget.  It takes time.  More time for me to suffer.  More anger, more tears, more sadness.  More hollow days and fake promises.  But eventually, my resolve will kick in.  And that will be all I need, so until then... this is my life. It's not sunshine and rainbows.  It's lemons, and lemonade... and my special pouty mouthed resting bitch face.

someday

I feel like my life is filled with a bunch of  'someday'.  

SOMEDAY:

I will stop caring what other think
I will be 'thin enough'
I will 'look pretty enough'
I will be enough
I will be respected
I will be what he wants
I will matter
I will be good enough for them 
They will see I am doing my best, and that will be enough

The list goes on.  

All incredibly personal.  All hurtful.  All things that break my heart and keep me awake at night.  All things and feelings that make me second guess walking out of the house each day, or getting out of bed.  And I allow it, because I don't know how to break the cycle.  Each day I rise, some days stronger than others, and I float through my day avoiding as much face to face contact as possible.  Avoiding eye contact, avoiding physical contact, avoiding you.

It's fear of rejection, fear of that look that people get when you are unwanted, fear of losing them just by being who you are.  Fear of knowing where I stand in the eyes of those that matter to me and that I care about.  I just wish I handled it better.  Getting sad or being afraid all of the time gets old, just like knowing that you'll never be 'good enough' for someone.  I am hoping that 32 brings me some peace and relief from insecurity, and the strength to walk away from all of the hurtful people in my life. I have so many good people in my life.  I want to flood my being with them instead.  The less room I make for hurt, the more room I have for happy. <3 font="">

Sad or angry... maybe both

I am getting too good at being sad.  That just empty sad that makes you feel cold and hopeless.  I shut down, I don't want to talk about it.  I just want to be alone with the very thoughts that trap me into that sadness.  

So many reasons for that too.  I don't want to be a burden.  I need to find my own voice and my own strength and my own reasons to be happy.

But I am not happy.  I am relieved, and I am at peace with my choices, but I am not happy.  I still seek and effectively participate in friendships and relationships where I go out of my way to be of support and be kind.  And even though I do not do things with the expectation of anything in return, I find that I miss the relationships that I FELT like I was as important to that person as they are/were to me.  

I feel like what is missing is knowing that when the immediate need for someone to lean on is over, that there will be a lasting relationship there for BOTH of us.  I feel taken advantage of, led on, taken for granted and finally - just sad.

Here's the thing... I am not looking to be some one's mom.  I have a kid.  I am not looking to be a temporary support so that when whatever feud you are having is over, you can cast me aside.  I don't want to be your drunk Friday night phone call, looking for someone to hook up with and I don't want to be your secret.  

And that's where the sadness stops and the anger comes in.  Just because I am vulnerable doesn't mean that I deserve your games and bullshit.  Just because I am not gorgeous and thin doesn't mean that I need you to make me feel that I should be ashamed of how I look, and that I should be thankful that you paid me a compliment because not many would.  I love being told how much you appreciate thick women before you ask me if I want to hook up.  I am fine being alone.  That's the beauty of choosing divorce.  So if you are reading this and thinking it's about you, it probably fucking is.  

You want to give me a compliment, then fucking mean it.  Don't sucker sandwich it or better yet, just keep it to yourself.  I want people in my life that are proud to call me their friend above all else.  I am so tired of being taken advantage of.  I am tired of being asked if I want to fuck now that I am single or if I want to send you dirty pics or messages or whatever else.  

How about you ask me if I want to get a cup of coffee or have lunch.  Maybe talk to me and look me in the eye instead of staring at my rack.  The only person that I owe anything is myself and that is taking back the respect and self worth that I have let others take from me.  I am my own and I intend to stay that way because I am not ready to be anything other than that.  

And for those of you that read this, that are truly meaningful in our friendships and relationships, simply - Thank you.  I appreciate you for all that you are in my life and for all of the support and kind words and late night chats that we have shared.  

All journeys have their ups and downs.  While this post isn't the most pleasant and nothing really happened to trigger me posting it... it's just been there for a while, eating away at whatever I work to build and I needed to get it all out. 

All my love,

A

stations in life...

Making the decision to follow my heart isn't always an easy one.  I care deeply for others, and try to have faith in their positions in my life... I am also finding that just because someone tells you that they aren't going anywhere and that they care, doesn't mean that they do or that they will be there for you when you need them.

I don't know if letting others make me feel unworthy of their friendship and time makes me feel worse than pretending that I don't feel it at all.  Giving someone the ability to hurt you, and then having it happen is painful.  Especially when it's slow and obvious.

I have always felt that if someone wants you in their life, they will put you there.  And that being in your life will not be conditional.  That how you look won't matter, what size you wear isn't important and that most of all, you are worth making time to spend with, no matter how busy either of you are.

I find it amazing how quickly your heart can change as well, how fast you can grow close to someone and make a true friend when you take the time to see a person for who they really are.

I have made such a friend in the last month and I am grateful for that person in my life.  Sitting around in sweats, watching tv, and eating pizza - stupid chats, and laughing about our own shortcomings instantly bonds you to a person that is going through the same or similar life changes as you.

I am happy that I took a risk, and gave myself the chance to have such a great support and friend in my life. ♥

mixed signals, confused hearts and moving on

So I did it.  I am out on my own. Other than the commute, I am happy with my choice.  Still a lot of struggle.  Still a lot of confusion over some of my friendships and relationships.  Some of which feel like they are going in the opposite direction of how I wanted them to go.  Others, well I am glad to be moving away from them, because I don't need to be held hostage in my own life and I don't want that happening to others that are my friends.

I can't decide if I think that I am changing and growing, or if things are changing around me and I remain the same.

I know that I feel that I am losing someone I care so much about, and watching it fall apart is killing me.  I know that I have a lot of people to rely on, and people that care.  And that's been such a relief and blessing.  But my heart still hurts.  I miss my friend, and they know.  I don't know whether to try harder or give up.  Either way - I doubt that I will win.  It's not my place to try to control the hearts and will of others.  I can only be who I am and hope they want to be in my life.

We constantly have people that touch our lives, for the better and some for the worst.  Always a lesson, always a reason, and always causing change. 

So even though I am still unsure with signals that are mixed from the world and from a friend, I move forward, because there are much better things ahead for me. ♥

cloudy... with a chance of disaster

A weekend full of panic, frustration and tears is exhausting.  Chaos, and uncertainty amplify my already worn thin sense of self.

This week should end on a positive note, though a busy and completely life changing one.  

Everyday, I find a little more relief, but also - I grow impatient.  I trust too easily, forgive too often things that I should not, and most of all, I am afraid of the very thing that make me so happy.  

I am afraid to fail, afraid to trust in my heart, and afraid to believe that anything is really real.  I am afraid that I will always fall back into not being good enough, always needing to apologize.  I don't know how to not feel like I am bothering someone with my presence.  I don't know how not to feel like a burden or annoyance.

More importantly, I am afraid of losing all of the strength that I have worked so hard for, because I cannot see in myself, all the things that I need to see and focus on.

self sabotage

I am incredible at it.  Really.  I just want to be happy, and well adjusted, and... normal?  We will roll with that for lack of a better word.  Normal, but not ordinary.

I am in my last week of 'family' life before I set off into single motherhood and living on my own.  I am nervous, but ready.  Things have been in a constant state of unrest for a year, and really for much longer than that.  All of my saving, and purchasing and planning - it is all in play now.

I am hoping that I can just breathe out all of the stress, all of my insecurities and embrace my imperfection in the coming weeks and just love where I am in my journey and just go where my path leads me.

My life, my choice, my heart, my feelings, my dreams - no one has the power to take any of those from me unless I give them the power to do so.

Self sabotage comes in when I feel taken advantage of, insecure, used or just foolish for trusting those that I shouldn't, but it only affects those that actually stick around or want to, because I am unable to trust that they are not going to do or are not doing the same things to me.

I don't know how long this phase lasts, but I am over it already!  Six days to a new life, and hopefully - a new attitude.

Feeling restless

So many good things have happened in the last few weeks. I have met some wonderful people, purged some not so wonderful people.  Found an apartment, which is in the final check stages and I will hopefully be moving into my new place in two weeks.

This has been a long road.  I know that I am leaving one struggle for another, and I have lost a lot of trust and faith along the way.  It's hard to feel like the people that you love and trust the most, are incapable of supporting you in the way that you need them to because they do not agree with your choices, your path, or your way of handling things.

I have to follow my heart and do what is best.  I will always think of my child, but I need to be happy too.  I need a break from constant stress, drama, lies, inconsistency and judgement.  I feel like these last few weeks of my 'old life' are going to drag.  I feel like I am going to continue to be moody and uncomfortable.  I am going to continue to see so clearly why I am making this choice, which has been pretty much every minute of today.  And I get SO ANGRY watching it all unfold in front of me.  Making me feel like my need to not hurt feelings and my need for order and to be the stand up person have left me trapped in insecurity and sadness.

I am ready to just be in my own space with my own things and my own comforts, the smallest of things being out of place or disrespectful are setting me off.

Seriously, zero to bitch in 60 seconds. What bothers me though, is that I am full of self doubt, I find that I am having a hard time trusting anyone, and it's not that they have even done anything wrong.  I am in the constant battle with my rational self and with the aftermath of the last several years of my life.  I know that it will take time, but I don't like being that person. I don't like feeling off, and most of all, I don't like feeling paranoid, selfish or jealous.  At least I am self aware and can give myself a time out... that's always a plus.

Healing... really.

“Let someone love you just the way you are – as flawed as you might be, as unattractive as you sometimes feel, and as unaccomplished as you think you are. To believe that you must hide all the parts of you that are broken, out of fear that someone else is incapable of loving what is less than perfect, is to believe that sunlight is incapable of entering a broken window and illuminating a dark room.”

- Marc Hack

It's so important to me to remember that I will never see myself the way others see me.  That is both good and bad.  As I am moving onto other stations in my life, I have to allow myself to be who I am and to accept myself as I am.  

I am constantly reminded of so many cliche quotes that tell us all the same thing, keep your heart open, don't let yourself be scarred, someone that truly loves you will always accept you.  And I don't disagree... but I do believe firmly that we must be our own, and love ourselves before we can be another's and love another the way that they deserve.

Part of healing for me is realizing that it is ok to say no, that I am better than what I have put up with, and that my heart is not broken anymore.  I cannot change the choices I have made, change the places I have been or forget the paths that I have walked.  I can learn from them and allow them to shape my future choices.

I will always treat others how I want to be treated, but now I will expect that they treat me with the same respect, or they will find themselves no longer a part of my life.

I has taken me a long time to find my own voice.  I am still surprised at my ability to say what I need to say lately.  While I still have a lot of work to do, at least it's progress. ♥

Painfully, still a work in progress

I am sad, sad in ways that I can't explain and even if I could - I don't know that I would want to. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I genuinely care about people. I get hurt by the stupidest shit because of it. Either my my own self doubt, or allowing my insecurities to twist what was meant around into something else altogether.

I live with the constant, internal nagging of my own imperfection and feelings of inadequacy. I am never good enough. And I am not sure if this is something that I am doing to myself, or continuing to feel it even though the causes of why I felt it before have been (mostly) silenced.

I thought that I had made so much progress at walking away from people that I allow to continually hurt me over and over again.  Obviously I need to keep distancing myself from the hurtful people and embracing my friendship that truly are FRIENDSHIPS and not about convenience, need or ulterior motives. Honestly though, I need to learn to be more comfortable in my own skin, realize that most of the people in my life are there because they truly want to be there. 

I am far from perfect, and I do not expect perfection from anyone else - there are others that think that way too.  

Being mid release on a huge project, job insecurity, a failed marriage, a crazy five year old, being unable to find a decent place... plus EVERYTHING else... it's just a bit much right now.  I am exhausted.  I am frustrated and angry.  I feel unaccomplished.  Hurry up and wait to fight and fail.  Kinda been the motto lately.  I am ready to move past all of that.  

Maybe if I tattoo 'I am enough the way that I am'... I will remember it and live it.  It will hurt far less than everything that I have gone through.

acceptance and fear

There are so many many things that are swirling in my head... but mostly - I am relieved.  I have come to terms with something that I have needed to deal with for so long... and I just feel so much better for having been honest and for once, doing what I knew needed to be done.

With that though, I have replaced the unease of this elephant that has sat in the room forever, with the fear of what lies ahead.  Financially, and even friends... My whole life is about to change, and I am finding that I am changed by it.  While I am clear headed and have acceptance about all that I have felt and been through in the last year, I am still moving into unfamiliar waters and I am not alone in that.  My need to provide and protect and be stable is more important than ever, and that is now a new source of stress that has not really been an issue in the way that it now is... and that is frightening to me.

I am finding some of my friendships and relationships fleeting, I am feeling judged, feeling taken advantage of, vulnerable and a little lost too.  I am sure that what is meant to be, will eventually be.  I am trusting that I will be settled soon and I can finally take a deep breath and let it all go.

It's the waiting, the transition that are weighing... how and when and where...

just... hurt

nothing hurts like trusting someone and then figuring out that they are not who you thought they were.  i am not sure i have ever felt so used... ever.  and i care a lot about that person, even still.  i would have gone out of my way to do anything for them.  i am going through a lot of life changes right now, and i really thought that this person was going to be there and supportive on my journey.  and i keep hoping that i am wrong, but deep down i know that yet again, and as always - i cared more for someone than they cared for me.  so i have a choice.  i either decide to be cold-hearted and mean, which is not who i want to be, or i continue to put myself out there for people that i think are going to be good additions to my life and continue to get hurt.

maybe it just is what it is.  maybe i am just a fool.  and maybe i am just tired of everything being more trouble than it is worth. i know that i am certainly tired of being sad and disappointed.

just... tired

I am tired in a way that I can't explain, and sad in a way that I cannot overcome right now.  So much moving and changing, so much second guessing.  There are too many people pulling me in the direction that they want me to go, I know they mean well - it's just too much for me right now.  I don't have enough energy to do anything, but shut down.  So it's a bit of a regression.  I am not feeling strong, or world conquering right now.  I am not sure of the path that I am on, or what I want anymore.  It seems like every path that I think is the right one, has more hurdles that the one before.  I have always said that I don't need it to be easy, that I need it to be worth it... but I need something to go my way so I can just catch my breath.

surgery tomorrow

I am both relieved to just have it over with and dreading the healing process at the same time.  I have been preparing myself for this surgery for over a year, but to have a consult and the specialist to want to do the surgery two days later was a little daunting.  My mouth is going to be a mess of stitches and cuts and wire, and then possibly braces at the end of all of this magical little rainbow.  But at least it will be over.  I never thought when I got my tongue pierced at 17 that it would cost me thousands later in life.  While I am sure that I could have been diligent when I knew something was wrong, I can't change it now.  So bone and tissue grafts tomorrow.  Thank God it's only in one spot and not my whole mouth.

So I am nervous - I don't do well with anesthesia, or coming out of it - and Jerod is going to be home with me on Wednesday when the evil kicks in after I wake up.  Couldn't have picked a better victim.

We will see how the magic of vicodin works for me.  Apologies in advance if I drug text you. :)

Here is to celebrating my new lisp from the wire holding my teeth in place as a pre-surgery precaution...

giving up or giving in

one of the worst things we all experience is the loss of friendship in another. no matter how you came across that person, i believe that all people are put in our lives for a reason.  while not all of the people that are in our lives are people that we want, there is a reason that we are tested or are given the gift of their love or friendship. that being said, i am also a closure person, and i hate to leave anything unresolved.  i prefer honesty to sugar coating, and truth to bullshit.

i just hate when i am faced with feeling foolish for trusting the wrong people, even if i wanted them to be so much better than what everyone else saw that i didn't. what is worse are the friends that we lose to life in general.  you have kids, get married, start a new job.  and the worst of all is the shut down.  where one day you just don't matter, without rhyme or reason or maybe just without explanation.  all hurtful, all sad, and most - unnecessary.

so do you give up on someone just because they give up on you?  do you change your ways to suit their needs, is that something that you should compromise?  or do you tell yourself that if they really wanted to be in your life, that they would make an effort and wouldn't have given up on you in the first place.

i hate when i lack foresight in my relationships, of all kinds.  i always want to see the best in people or think that we all have good intentions.  unfortunately, i continue to be disappointed by putting myself out there for others, that do not have the same respect for me.

another day. another drama i guess.

Taking a breath

I cleaned like a mad woman today in an emotion fueled OCD driven mania. And it only made my anxiety worse today. I couldn't get anything organized enough. Nothing was clean enough. Thankfully I sat myself down and just read for a while. I read the entire book, getting lost in something else for a while. And just caught my breath. It was so good to tune out all of the thoughts in my head. All of the insecurities that I have all built up. All of the errant misconceptions and to-do lists. All of the nagging and sadness and anger. It was nice to not worry about anything for a few hours. I feel better right now than I have felt all week and hopefully I will sleep well.

catching my stride

It is amazing how much I accomplish when I feel backed into a corner.  It's even more amazing what a great motivator anger is.  I am not a fan of limbo.  I hate leaving or having things that are hanging in the balance.  Moreover, I don't like creating'what if' experiences because I am too wrapped up to get through all of the things that need to be completed..

It's been a good week for getting back into my stride.  While there have been people that I missed this week, and had hoped to talk to and didn't - there was a good amount of catching up with old friends and rekindling spirits with other friends.

I got all of my work done for the week on time, and that makes me feel so much less stressed out.  I have also made some serious progress in other areas of my life that need planning and order so that I can cope, manage and move forward.

Time moves so quickly, yet it seems like reaching the goals that I have set take far too much time to make a difference

courage

I always know what I want... it seems like I can plan and plan and make sure that every detail is accounted for, and then... I lose the courage to make it happen.  I know I am afraid, but I don't know why.  I hate just going through the motions, the same thing day in and day out, knowing that what is best for me is hiding in my head, and that I just need to push a little harder to make it happen.

I don't understand sometimes why the fear of being wrong, or the fear of rejection, or even the fear of looking foolish, no matter how irrational will stop me in my tracks.

Maybe it's the people that I seek acceptance from, or the people that I am desperately trying to distance myself from.  Or maybe it's my own insecurity... whatever it is... I need to learn how to start having faith in what I know is right, even if it is not guaranteed to be smooth and easy.  And even if I might hurt someone that I don't want to hurt (which is most people, even if they have hurt me).

enough.

double meaning to this post.  first of all, i have had more than enough of all of the drama and bullshit. i am tired, better yet, i am fucking EXHAUSTED with always being expected to be the bigger person, to keep my mouth shut and to act like everything is perfect when it's really a mess.

i am tired of choosing sides or not choosing sides or not being able to have an opinion or just live my own life because someone else doesn't like who i am or what i am or what i choose to be.  so enough.  this is me.  this is who i am.  i am not being someone else's person anymore.  i don't care if you like the company i keep.  or the choices that i make.  and i most of all if you can't say what you need to say then i have had enough of you too.  take your passive aggressive shit talking and shove it up your ass.  you'll find your own head their too. family is supposed to be all of the time. not when you fucking feel like it.

i am an adult.  have been for a long time, longer than i should have had to have been.  and you know what - i can't change that.  but you can bet that i can change those that i allow to affect my future and the future of my family.  it didn't have to be like this and it is not my fault.

this has been a long weekend of loss and anger and i am done with it all.