I am incredible at it. Really. I just want to be happy, and well adjusted, and... normal? We will roll with that for lack of a better word. Normal, but not ordinary.
I am in my last week of 'family' life before I set off into single motherhood and living on my own. I am nervous, but ready. Things have been in a constant state of unrest for a year, and really for much longer than that. All of my saving, and purchasing and planning - it is all in play now.
I am hoping that I can just breathe out all of the stress, all of my insecurities and embrace my imperfection in the coming weeks and just love where I am in my journey and just go where my path leads me.
My life, my choice, my heart, my feelings, my dreams - no one has the power to take any of those from me unless I give them the power to do so.
Self sabotage comes in when I feel taken advantage of, insecure, used or just foolish for trusting those that I shouldn't, but it only affects those that actually stick around or want to, because I am unable to trust that they are not going to do or are not doing the same things to me.
I don't know how long this phase lasts, but I am over it already! Six days to a new life, and hopefully - a new attitude.
Buckeye Mommy,
ReplyDeleteI don't know if you were repressing anger in your "old life," but if you have recently unleashed some pent up feelings, do not despair! If you are unfamiliar with how to be angry, it makes sense that it's hard to control. I had forgotten what anger was, I went straight to feeling hurt. But when the anger (finally) presented itself, it was like Niagra Falls, gushing out of my every cellular structure. It took a little time, but I'm much better at having "appropriate" responses ranging from mild annoyance to being so angry there is no point in even trying to talk to me until I calm down, depending on what occurred to cause me to feel angry.
Thinking your life was going to be one way and having to start a completely new one not only seems overwhelming, it is overwhelming. If you didn't feel nervous and scared about starting a whole new life, I would be concerned for your mental state. I'm sorry you're going through pain like this, through all the emotions that a separation evokes. Wondering what his friends, who became your friends, but are they really your friends now, are thinking. Or how long will it be before I'm ready to try dating, how will I know, will I ever be ready, can someone really accept me for who I am, will I be able to break my pattern of giving too much of myself to someone? How can I prevent from going for someone less emotionally available than I am? Do I even know what love is?
I don't know if you really feel like what I've said, I can just share my own experience. I wanted it to be honest and open as you were with your own feelings. It's been almost five years since I left. Here are the positive things I've learned: I can say "no" because if that person doesn't want to accept my own wants, well they can F right off. I speak my mind right then and there, even if it means asking to be excused in order to talk away from a group, and having that group know what I'm about to talk about. It was hard to do that at first, but each time I did I left the convo feeling good about myself that I could do something difficult like that, felt good because I could let go of any feelings that could possibly bring me down because I expressed them. I sure as hell respected myself a lot more. It was positive reinforcement for my self worth, my heart and soul. Learning how to do this gives me unwavering confidence that I'll never, ever end up sacrificing myself in a relationship again. I still need to get over fear of being hurt/fear of commitment. I've recently realized I've been attracted to emotionally unavailable people, or had long term casual relationships with people I know will never develop into romance. I think I might need professional help and have considered seeing a psychologist.
No one really wants to hear this, but the only thing that will make this better is time. It just sucks that it has to be so linear and time machines don't exist.
I am still struggling with some lasting insecurity, but I have been through the angry phase and did almost a year of therapy for myself to make the decision to leave, and get the support I needed emotionally to do it. I went through the angry phase with the help of a therapist, and now I am mostly in acceptance. I needed to do this a long time ago, and while I have been hurt, my ex is still one of my closest friends too. We have to be, because we have a child together. A lot of the failure of our marriage was just being too different and ill suited for each other. There came a power struggle, and in that, a lot of mean spirited comments, and things that cut far too deep. I am thankful to be able to move on and that it is civil. I don't hate him, or resent him anymore. I accept that I spent several years being unhappy, but I also accept that I made the choice to stay while being aware that it was not going to work. I am in a good place with my heart, albeit scared. I would recommend talking to someone. It really did make a huge difference for me.
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